Saturday night’s telecast opened with a strange sight: Andrew Bogut standing at center court with a microphone—was it Karaoke Night at the Bradley Center?  Nope, turned out the Bucks players were just taking a moment to thank the fans for their support.  Mo Williams took the mic next, and he must have left his speech notes in the locker room, because he simply giggly promised repeatedly that the team would win “soooo many games next year,” although he didn’t attempt to quantify his prediction.  It was a perfect mood setter for the screwball comedy that followed, starring the Bobcats and Bucks in a game that was played about as seriously as a Naked Gun movie.  To their credit, Milwaukee sports fans have really shown me something this week.  First they turned out in droves to watch two out-of-town MLB teams play, and then they packed the Bradley Center for a game that couldn’t have been more meaningless.  For their sake, I hope Williams will deliver on his promise (assuming “soooo many” is greater than or equal to 40).    
 
The usual faces were out for the Bobcats: Carroll, Wallace, Voskuhl, and Morrison (who—with his shaggy, partially combed hair and thrown-together suit—looked vaguely like one of my hick cousins at his third wedding, bride already four month pregnant).  The Bucks, on the other hand, were playing without just about everyone on the team who has a clue what they’re doing: Redd, Bogut, Villanueva, Skinner, and Simmons (question: if Simmons comes back next year and plays awesomely, could he win a second “Most Improved Player” award?).  The result was a game in which both teams often played like they were trying to dribble a football, totaling 41 turnovers and at least two separate occasions in which the refs signaled “out-of-bounds” by indicating the ball had gone off a player’s face.
 
Former D-Leaguer Alan Anderson must have felt right at home in this environment, as he notched 24 points, 8 rebounds, and just 5 turnovers.  And hats off to Derek Anderson for zipping around the court like he was on a Quidditch broom en route to 21 points and 5 steals.  But the game’s Leslie Nielson Award belongs to Walter Herrmann, who had his first 30-point game on 12/15 shooting (6/8 on 3’s).  Herrmann also brought home 9 rebounds and severely frustrated counterpart Ruben Patterson: The Walter Stopper shot 3/8 for 10 points and had 6 turnovers.
 
Herrmann’s herroiccs made up for another off-night by Emeka Okafor (10 points and 5 rebounds), who was frankly outplayed by the spectacularly clumsy Dan Gadzuric (14 and 14), who gave new meaning to the phrase “crash the boards.”  I would describe Gadzuric’s game as similar to Anderson Varejao’s, except less graceful.  With 4 turnovers (which is kind of hard to do for most centers, except of course Eddy Curry), 5/12 shooting, and 4/9 on free throws, Gadzuric was more of a threat to get his head stuck in the basket than the ball, but you had to like his energy. 
 
Sparked by Gadzuric’s play and some guy named Lynn (Greer, 14 points off the bench), Milwaukee played it close for most of the first half, before we ended the second quarter on an 8-0 run.  Then we blew it open in the third, outscoring the Bucks 32-19, with all but 6 points coming by way of Herrmann and the Andersons.  The Bucks made something of a comeback in the fourth, but the game was never really in doubt and the Bobcats coasted to their 33rd victory of the season.  Asked afterward about his thoughts on the team’s strong finish during his final days as head coach, Bernie Bickerstaff was clearly moved: “I don’t have any,” he responded.  Well said, coach, but you’re no Mo Williams.

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The Bobcats traveled to Chicago on Friday the 13th and got carved up worse than a post-coital teen at Camp Crystal Lake. Throwing up more D than Rich Boy, the Bulls held us to 81 points on 40% shooting from the field (and even then only if you round up) while out-rebounding us 42-29. And I didn’t keep count, but that had to have been a record number of air balls and shot-clock violations on our part. Pick your cliché: the Bulls were swarming, stifling, suffocating, etc. Man, why couldn’t we have played someone crappy again like the Heat?

With no Gerald Wallace in the lineup (tendonitis) and the Bulls fighting for the number two playoff seed, all blowout systems were a “go.” Actually, the Bobcats kept it respectable for most of the game, hovering around the 7-to-13 point deficit range. Replacing G-Dub was Derek Anderson, whose entire left leg was wrapped up in bandages, mummy-style. And Othella Harrington made his first appearance this calendar year, if I’m not mistaken. Rounding out the patchwork lineup was Primoz Brezec, who didn’t score at all, although he did almost hit the rim a couple of times. Some bad shooting buy Raymond Felton (3-13 for ten points) and a sub-par night from Emeka Okafor (9 points, 11 rebounds, and just 3/7 from the foul line—one of his free throws missed so badly it actually bounced out of bounds) sealed the deal.

Individually, the Bulls aren’t and weren’t particularly daunting. But they assemble like Voltron to form a pretty impressive collective unit. Leading scorer Ben Gordon had 20 points, but also 6 turnovers. Ben Wallace had 12 and 12, and Kirk Hinrich (18 points, 8 assists) and Luol Deng (14 points, 6 boards) provided steady, complementary play. They’re going to present problems in the playoffs for their opponents, especially with Nocioni back, but I still think they’re a “go-to” guy away from championship contention. On the other hand, someone has to win in the East…

Well, if G-Dub was looking to use this game to demonstrate his importance for negotiation leverage, I think he made his point. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he just popped a tape of this one in during the contract talks; after about five minutes of watching it, Bob Johnson will probably be begging him to sign a max deal. In the meantime, I’ll just pray Wallace is back in the lineup on Saturday, because I see we’re playing Milwaukee—yeesh, that’s going to be like watching a scab game from the ’87 NFL strike season.

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A ton of personnel matters to report.  First, no Shaquille O’Neal in the lineup for the Heat, because he was attending to family issues.  This had to be music to Primoz Brezec’s ears, because last game Shaq manhandled Primoz the way Bob Barker used to handle that skinny microphone on The Price is Right.  While I’m thinking about it, has anyone ever noticed that O’Neal looks exactly like a black “Stone Cold” Steve Austin?  Perhaps I’m the only one who thinks so, as was the case in the late 80s when I seemed to be the only one who thought Michael Landon looked like a white James Brown, but I swear one could play the other if they ever decided to remake Soul Man (not sure why they would, but after they remade The Hills Have Eyes, who can tell?).  Udonis Haslem was also out (attending to groin issues), and James Posey was benched for drinking-while-driving issues—was he at the same club as Warren Moon?
 
For the Bobcats, Adam Morrison was fined $25 grand for making an obscene gesture during the last game.  The report didn’t say why he made the gesture, but I’d like to think it was for protesting the labor conditions of Columbian peasant farmers or some such left-wing cause.  My question is how come the reports don’t ever specify what the obscene gesture is?  9 times out of 10 it’s going to be your basic middle finger, but you never know—maybe he was doing it the “slap-the-bicep-with-your-other-hand” way, or perhaps he was making the “jerk off” motion, or maybe even the old “fist-to-the-mouth-while-bulging-your-cheek-with-your-tongue” routine.  I had a buddy in college who—I don’t remember how exactly he did it—could use both hands to create a remarkable likeness of a vagina.  The point is, don’t these reporters realize that’s the kind of critical information fans need to know?  On a positive note, Derek Anderson was back on the scene, crispy and clean.  He’s been gone so long I can’t even remember why he was out in the first place, but he played like his usual self (17 points in 13 minutes).
 
As for the game, the first half was a sloppy affair with lots of back-and-forth action, most of which resulted in missed layups and a horrid 13 turnovers by Miami (en route to 22).  The Bobcats were up by 17 until the Heat managed to get a hold of themselves, yet they stilled trailed by 12 at the buzzer. “This is the worst I’ve seen them all year other than Sunday,” commentator Henry Williams noted, impressing us once again with his vast reservoir of stored knowledge.  Dwyane Wade (14 points, 4 turnovers) was still shaking off the cobwebs and Jason Williams (8 points, 4 turnovers) was completely disheveled, looking and playing like he’d spent the previous hour with an industrial strength leaf blower aimed at his face.  Surprisingly, the only Heat player who looked remotely interested was Antoine Walker (17 points, 9 rebounds), which obviously didn’t do any good for Pat Riley’s halftime motivational speech—you can’t tell your team to play more like the same guy you suspended for getting fat, can you?     
 
The third quarter was more of the same, except the Heat got even worse.  Riles looked so mad I thought he was going to spring a cowlick.  Instead he benched his starters and threw out Chris Quinn, Earl Barron, and Posey, who didn’t look like he’d sobered up yet.  The Heat got as close as 14 in the fourth, but Coach Bickerstaff brought back in Gerald Wallace (24 points on 8/11 shooting, 10 rebounds) to ice it.    And Walter Herrmann dropped the "hammerr" yet again, with 20 points and 6 boards (we also got the added bonus of seeing his publicity shot, in which he’s sans headband and in one of those old-school quarterback poses, mid-pass).  I don’t think beating the Heat this badly will ever get old for me; it’s like how I feel about the Ramones.  20 years of blowouts over Miami and guys in leather jackets singing, “1-2-3-4” is fine by me; both are timeless entertainment.      
 
PS–
How about Tom Sorensen of the Charlotte Observer?  Props to him for throwin’ a little hot sauce on his comments about Coach Bickerstaff’s handling of Kareem Rush.  Wrote Sorenson: “(Rush) didn’t commit to team basketball, so Bickerstaff cut him.  Rush pledged revenge, and if the Bobcats play an exhibition in the Development League, at Freedom Park or in Prague, Rush undoubtedly will be waiting.” Owww!

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The Bobcats traveled to Miami on Sunday night to take on the Heat.  The big news was that Dwyane Wade, the game’s most exciting foul shooter, returned to the lineup!  My initial reaction was: Hmm, playing an expansion team of nobodies, nursing a bum shoulder…it’s quite possible we could see a new free throw record tonight.  But before I take too many shots at Miami, they deserve some serious credit, as ESPN’s John Hollinger had them lottery-bound, and that was before Wade was injured, leading me to wonder if Hollinger rates his own predictions, because that one was pretty inefficient.  Meanwhile, the Bobcats were without Matt Carroll and Adam Morrison, both injured, causing commentator Matt Devlin to worry how they would cope without two of their big “shooters.”  I wasn’t as concerned, because lately neither of them had really been “makers.”    
 
Wade didn’t start, and Shaquille O’Neal picked up two early fouls, so in came Alonzo Mourning.  I know Mourning has a very serious medical condition, and I’m sensitive to that, but as a native New Jerseyan, I’ve got to side with my native people and hate him just a bit.  Therefore, I always find it a little funny and satisfying when Mourning makes a layup, gets fouled, screams dramatically, and then…misses the free throw.  Anyway, Wade came in at the end of the first quarter to a rousing ovation, wearing a bizarre, skin-tight, single-sleeved black pad, which made him look like he was in the process of turning into Venom.  Commentator Henry Williams described it as if he were a tour-guide: “If you’ll notice the long sleeve that Wade is wearing (which was kind of funny because it was impossible not to notice the kooky getup—it sticks out worse than the misplaced “y” in Dwyane's name), it traps heat and provides protection.”  Wade’s first points came on…two free throws.  Unsurprisingly, the Heat went to the line 15 more times than us.  It got so bad, I was just happy whenever we didn’t get called for offensive fouls.  Poor Primoz Brezec couldn’t even get a call when Shaq punched him right in the face.        
 
It didn’t seem to faze us, though, as we sprinted out to a 16-point lead to start the second half, led by Gerald Wallace, who got his sexy on with 30 points, 8 rebounds, and 4 steals.  Wallace’s only mistake came when he tried to hurdle James Posey and landed hard on his…front—is it possible to break your groin?  Perhaps most encouraging was the fact that we closed out the third up by ten points, despite playing the last two minutes with a downright crazy lineup: Jake Voskuhl, Walter Herrmann, Ryan Hollins, Alan Anderson, and…go ahead, you’ll never guess the last guy in a million tries…Give up?  Jeff McInnis!  Told you you wouldn’t get it.   
 
Then in the fourth quarter it all fell apart.  The Heat were on.  On the street.  Inside your head.  On every beat.  They went on a twelve point tear to start the quarter, led by that diabolical Wade—curses, I thought he was dead!  Wade finished the night with 12 points (6/12 from the line) and 8 assists in 26 minutes.  Crap, Jason Kapono was back too.   Who’s next, Rony Seikaly?  Why do the Heat all have to return against us?  Kapono, channeling Sunny Crockett’s 5-o’clock shadow, knocked down everything he shot (7 of 9 for 19 points).    And THEN, we were up by 1 with 30 seconds left and committed a shot clock violation!!  The scream I emitted at this point rivaled Sean Penn’s in Mystic River when he finds out his daughter was murdered.  Wade gets fouled by Felton (or at least a foul was called), makes 1 of 2, and into OT we go, where I assumed the Heat would inevitably close it out.  I swear, this team is evil.  This is the devil’s team, and that fireball-through-the-hoop logo at the center court of American Airlines Arena is hell-spawned. 
 
And yet, we somehow held it together!  Brevin Knight (13 points, 7 assists) and Raymond Felton (16 points, 6 assists) commanded the team like Jean-Luc Picard and Commander Riker, and Herrmann (15 points) nailed three huge threes to close it out.  Unsung hero Voskuhl had 12 points and 7 boards and helped contain Shaq (15 and 9), while sung hero Emeka Okafor had 13 and 8.  What a game!  What a weird game.  The Heat shot just 26 of 44 from the free throw line and committed 26 turnovers.  Lecherous Lucifer must be pissed at them for something.  Even the post-game was odd, as we saw (but did not hear) Herrmann being interviewed by the Heat announce team—what language was he speaking?  Who cares, I’m totally drained…

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