The best thing you can say about the Bobcats game on Wednesday night is that there are only six more of them to go. But the second-best thing you can say is that the Bobcats came out on top against a Philadelphia 76ers team that was desperately looking to keep their playoff hopes alive. They’ll have to keep looking, though, because through a combination of Bobcat hustle and Derek Fisher’s poltergeist possessing Jrue Holiday, Charlotte came out on top. “We were able to prove again that we’re very interested in the outcome coming down the backstretch,” said coach Mike Dunlap. On behalf of Bobcats fans everywhere, we thank you for your team’s interest, coach.

The game’s beginning was certainly no bed of roses. In fact, it was more like a bed-wetting, as the Bobcats found themselves trailing by 16 early in the second quarter. Scratch that; I hate the phrase “found themselves,” as if they just woke up in a 16-point deficit. There was no existential mystery here, as the Bobcats went on a 12-minute journey of self-discovery and 2-for-15 shooting, including a collection of greatest hits from Tyrus Thomas on his late-season farewell tour: a missed 18-footer, a spectacular missed slam dunk, a missed 18-footer, and a missed 20-footer. Thomas would later miss a 13-footer and yet another 3-pointer—his fifth 3-pt attempt in the last two games…is he just trolling the Sloan Sports Conference?

The Bobcats-Bucks game on Monday night featured less defense than the Maginot Line as both teams blitzed each other for 51% shooting. In losing 133-99, the Bobcats allowed the Bucks to score their highest point total since 2009 and—even more embarrassingly—allowed Monta Ellis to be praised for his defense. “He’s playing as hard as he can play,” Bucks coach Jim Boylan said of Ellis afterward, “And he’s doing a whole bunch of things at both ends of the floor.” Ellis may be doing a lot of things, but I wouldn’t count defense among that bunch. True, he had 6 steals, but they were of the classic, Allen Iverson, all-or-nothing variety (quite often resulting in the latter). His primary counterparts, Ben Gordon, Kemba Walker, and Gerald Henderson, shot a collective 20-of-30. Ellis plays defense like Atlanta teachers grade tests.

Not that this matters against a team like Charlotte. When the Bobcats come to town, refraining from picking your nose is about all the defense you need to play to give yourself a shot. And that’s what happened here, as Charlotte allowed Milwaukee over, around, and through them without so much as a harsh word. “We just couldn’t play any defense,” said Henderson, “You ain’t gonna beat nobody giving up 130 points.” You certainly ain’t, Gerald, especially nobody like Larry Sanders, who faced a stiffer challenge against referee Bill Kennedy’s noggin on the opening tip-off than he would the rest of the night. In a performance he probably would give three thumbs up, Sanders finished with 24 points and more offensive rebounds than the Bobcats had as a team. The Bobcats generally struggle with Sanders-type forwards, which is to say competent ones, but it would be nice if they weren’t always setting career highs against us.

“We got a lot of guys with pride and a lot of heart,” said Gerald Henderson after the Bobcats’ failed semi-comeback against the Knicks on Friday night, “We just couldn’t come up with it at the end of the game.” An answer for J.R. Smith and Carmelo Anthony is the “it” with which the Bobcats couldn’t come up. In fact, in the first half, the only thing more unstoppable than Smith was his tattoo artist, as the former Zhejiang Golden Bull went 9-for-11 and attacked the hoop as if it were a New Jersey traffic court judge. Between him and the diabolical Anthony, the Bobcats found themselves trailing by 30 points in the first half, and although they were able to cut the deficit to 7 with about 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter, they couldn’t close the deal. “You like to win big when you are up big, but to me a win is a win,” said Knicks coach Mike Woodson, whose opinion of wins is in line with the generally-held perception of them.

The following night’s results in Philadelphia—a 9-point loss—were the same but acquired differently. This time the Bobcats squandered an early lead but played neck-and-neck throughout until they let a guard take control late. Jrue Holiday, who was in the midst of a 2-for-13 shooting debacle (which doesn’t include his four missed free throws), came alive with 11 points in the 4^th quarter to save Allen Iverson Bobblehead Night for the Sixers. Holiday’s versatility was impressive; he hit 3 jumpers and blew past the Bobcats’ guards twice for layups. Thaddeus Young and Royal Ivey combined for 5 steals as well, and the Sixers’ overall 52% shooting was enough to force the war-torn Bobcats to surrender.

The Heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. On every beat. Caught up in the action, the Bobcats were looking out for LeBron James and company on Sunday night, but they were unable to slow down the Miami force of nature that blew through them like a 1985 saxophone riff. True to their M.O., Miami kept the foreplay up deep in the second half, allowing the Bobcats to stay within 5 points as late as 7:30 into the third quarter. But that’s when the necking and heavy petting ended, and James delivered money shot after money shot, as the Heat straddled the 3^rd and 4^th quarters with a 26-5 scoring orgy that climaxed in a 32-point blowout, 109-77.

Along the way, the Bobcats set the unofficial record for most NBA game recaps featuring the word “drought”; sometimes I can’t tell if I’m reading about the Bobcats or Sudan. “Once they got settled in, started making plays,” said guard Gerald Henderson afterward, “They got back into the game and we also went on a long drought where we couldn’t score the ball.” Particularly parched were Byron Mullens (2-of-8 overall, 1-of-5 from 3-point range) and Ben Gordon (0-of-7 overall, 0 (obviously)-of-3 from 3-point range). Overall the Cats generated a shooting percentage so tiny (33.7%) that Rick Moranis accidentally ate it with his Cheerios. Without a large, mobile, athletic big (or even one of the above), the Bobcats were forced to work the ball around the horn and hoist up a comical 25 3-pointers. “We ran into some dry spells and we settled for way too many 3s,” coach Mike Dunlap said. “At the end of the game we had 25, and that’s not who we are.”

There were worse ways that you could have spent your time Wednesday night than watching the Bobcats-Raptors game. You could have been robbing a bank, for instance. Or molesting a zoo animal. Or getting suspended for a physical alteration with a rival TV commentator (side note: good thing you couldn’t put money on which CSN commentator Kendall Gill would get suspended for punching first: Stacey King or the field, because I would have bet my life savings on King. The fact that Gill burned a suspension on punching someone other than King seems like a terrible waste of an opportunity). All of those options have their merits obviously, but only the Bobcats-Raptors game offered the possibility of witnessing effective play from Josh McRoberts and Jannero Pargo.

I am not a fan of overstating things. I still remember several years ago when Rolling Stone magazine was doing one of those “Top Albums of the 80s” issues, and one of the selections was Metallica’s Master of Puppets. I forget the wording they used exactly to describe the album, but I remember something like, “a stinging rejection of Reagan-era policies,” and I remember almost choking on my Yoo-Hoo. Look, I love that album with all of my heart, but it had NOTHING to do with Ronald Reagan, or really anything reality-related. This was four metal dudes chugging beer and writing about metal stuff, period; one of the songs featured a gigantic sea monster. In fact, if James Hetfield ever reveals that “Leper Messiah” was really a rebuke against the Tax Reform Act of 1986, I’m going to be really bummed out.