Like a colonoscopy, I’ve been putting this off for too long, and now I’ve got to get it taken care of: Cody Zeller is a disaster. He’s an overflowing toilet that causes an electrical fire that burns down a movie theater that’s only showing The Lone Ranger. Truthfully, I’ve been concerned since he first touched the ball opening night against the Houston Rockets and looked up with a quizzical expression on his face, as if someone had just handed him a toy monkey playing the drums and asked him to come up with 5 uses for it. So I’ve been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he hasn’t gotten any better, which is troubling considering that he’s on a small market team that feels less pressure than John Daly coming out of a men’s room.
Let’s start with the shooting numbers. Actually, let’s not. God, I just looked at them. (deep breath) Okay, if you’ve been watching Zeller play, first of all: sorry; second of all, you know what he does: he takes long-range two’s from above either elbow or dead-on. And he’s utterly horrendous at it. NBA.com’s shot chart clocks him at a squalid 23.6% from that area, which comprises 33.5% of his “shooting.” In fact, the only thing worse than when he takes that shot is when he doesn’t and tries to drive to the rim, where he finishes 46.55% of the time. To give you an idea of how bad that it is, picture a hemorrhoid oozing puss. No, just kidding. Picture Ramon Sessions, who’s 9” shorter and seemingly cannot get a layup to go down without the use of a taser. Even little Ramon Sessions is ahead of Zeller with a (still awful) 47.71% shooting percentage at the rim. Plus, Sessions gets fouled an impressive 52.4% of the time, whereas Zeller gets fewer calls for fouls than Mel Gibson gets for acting gigs. That’s mostly because Zeller’s drives are slow and mechanical; you could set them to one of those old-timey songs played over black-and-white montage footage of printing presses cranking out newspapers with headlines like, “JAPS SURRENDER!”