Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is HUGH, H-to-the-U-G-Uh, never mind. Anyone who visited this site in the mid- to late-aughts might angrily recall my lame jokes and entirely fact-free analysis—mostly about my dog, Lincoln, but occasionally about the Bobcats as well. However, right around the time that Larry Brown announced he’d fallen in love with Alexis Ajinca at the draft, I decided that I needed to spend more time with my family and retreated to a remote hamlet called Brooklyn, NY.
Things were going well. My marriage produced another dog and two cats. Lincoln (pictured) recently came out to me that he was gay, but he knows that I love him anyway, and that I just want him to be happy. Occasionally Ziggy would ask if I was interested in blogging again, but by then I’d grown a beard and spent most of my time chopping wood and saying things like, “My war is over.”
But through it all, I never lost my love for the Orange & Blue! Or the alternative blues, or the pinstripes, or even the alternative NASCAR-themed racing checkers. So when Ziggy approached me last week, I decided to hear him out.
“Blogcat,” he said.
“Blogcat,” I answered softly. “That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.”
“I’ve got a job for you. I want Bobcats Planet to be the #1 Bobcats website in the world.”
“So why me?” I asked.
“Because you’re the best,” he answered.
Or maybe it was, “You should brush with Crest.” Either way, I’m back. And I’m not alone. Ziggy’s recruited an A-Team of talent, and if I’m not the BA Baracus of the group, I’d like to at least think I’m providing a Face-level contribution. And make no mistake: our goal is to be the #1 Bobcats website. All you other so-called Bobcats reporters, prepare to pee yourselves in horror. And that includes you, Charlotte Observer. Oh yeah, Rick Bonnell, I said it. For too long we’ve put up with your vanilla observations, weak analysis, and—worst of all—your series of increasingly bizarre headshots. From the smug, bearded-professor look to your current disturbing, crazy-bald-guy stare (tell me your first thought when you saw Jared Laughner’s mugshot wasn’t, “Whoa, what happened, Rick?”), it’s time to shake the yolk of oppression!! Or is it “yoke”? I can never get those right. Whatever…the one that’s not part of an egg.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Rick Bonnell. My sworn enemy. You were once the hunter; now you’ll know what it means to be the hunted. Hear the name “Blogcat” and tremble in terror. Which reminds me, can you believe no one decided to use that nickname after I left? I have no idea how anyone passed up on something that clever.
Enough of my blood-feud with Bonnell. There will be time enough to take my revenge on him and his corrupt empire of lies. In the meantime, I need to start preparing for the upcoming season. This will involve poring over cutting-edge statistics, endlessly reviewing game-tape, gazing longingly into my signed photo of Stephanie Ready (my sweet, sweet Stephanie—is that a dot over your lower-case “i” or a heart?), and thinking of new ways to make fun of the name “Rich Cho.”