Guess who’s back, back again…
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve had a chance to enrich your life with my infinite wisdom, but I’ve been busy with end-of-the-year schoolwork. And I’m proud to add that I was NOT one of 34 people caught cheating on my finals (or at least no one’s said anything to me yet), but that’s more a testament to my not having any friends to cheat with than it is my integrity. Anyway, in the spirit of plagiarism, I feel like bootlegging “Thumbs Up/Down”-style blogs, so here goes:
Thumbs Up: Mavericks-Warriors
Anyhow, just like everyone else, I’ve been sucked into the Mavs-Warriors series like a bag of Capri Sun. Game 5 was so exciting, I actually began having bizarre hallucinations that featured Tracy McGrady wearing a kilt. It was like a heavyweight boxing match, specifically Creed-Balboa I. Every shot landed like a bomb, and it always seemed to be either a thunderous dunk or a 3-pointer. On a personal note, what was really weird was that I taped the game, but I underestimated how long it took, and I ran out of tape PRECISELY after Davis hit the trey that put Golden State up by 9 with 3 minutes to go. Annoyed as I was, I remember thinking that at least I was able to see the last significant play of the game. It wasn’t until I saw Sportscenter that I realized my VHS ran out of juice at the same moment as the Warriors.
Thumbs Sideways: Panthers Draft
I guess it went okay…right? That seems to be the consensus opinion. One thing that bothers me: I actually happen to be a Miami Hurricanes fan who watched every one of their sorry games last year, and I have almost no recollection of Jon Beason whatsoever. For the same reason, I don’t know what the Patriots saw in Merriweather or the Bears saw with Greg Olson, because this was an awful Miami team last year; they played about as impressively as George Bush did on those bongos last week. To be fair, in Olson’s case the quarterbacks were like Woody Harrelson’s character in Wildcats: they could run, they could throw, they just couldn’t run and throw. But still, I’m more shocked than anybody that three Canes landed in the first round. Although who knows, maybe Beason will really impress me. Perhaps it’s just the name: “Jon.” I’ve always been wary about missing-“h” “Jon’s”—Jon Bon Jovi, Jon-Benet Ramsay, and most of all: Jonathan Taylor-Thomas, the Machiavellian middle child on Home Improvement.
Thumbs Sideways: Bobcats Head Coach Search
I’m somehow containing my excitement about the possibility of landing Paul Silas, with his illustrious 355-400 lifetime coaching record. Could we have a more lateral move? Now I see we’re up to 5 candidates, and the answer is obvious: we need to do this reality TV-style: Who Wants to Be a Head Coach? or American Coach or something…
Thumbs Down: Paul Wolfowitz
I haven’t been this embarrassed about a fellow American in nearly five minutes. This is a man who became Undersecretary of Defense despite having no military background whatsoever (although in this administration, I suppose that makes him the perfect candidate), then does such a lousy job at it that he gets canned…only to become the President of the World Bank?!?! What about his performance as a UnderSecDef made anyone think he should then head a bank? And now he’s screwing that up too by giving perks to his girlfriend! People, can we please stop hiring this man? He clearly couldn’t manage a pro wrestler, let alone some of the most important organizations in the world.
Thumbs Down: LeBron James
Have you seen him in that USA Basketball spot? “It-is-an-honor-and-a-privilege-to-put-on-the-USA-basketball-uniform.” It can’t be that much of an honor and a privilege if you need to read a cue card to say the line. And how about a little feeling there, Mr. Global Icon? He looks and sounds about as convincing as a hostage assuring us that he is being treated well.