I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray. Now that baseball season has started, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed. I’ve got the out-of-market package on my computer (because of course it’s not available on TV to cable owners—have you heard Bud Selig’s responses when he’s asked about this? Don’t do it without a washcloth and some Q-tips, because his answers are so slimy that you’re actually going to need to clean the ooze out of your ears afterwards). I wish that either MLB could hold off for a few months or the NBA could raise its playoff requirements (it's about as hard to make the playoffs as it is to enlist in the military) to shorten the postseason so that I didn’t have to deal with both simultaneously.
For the record, I couldn’t disagree more with those yahoos who made that ridiculous claim in “The Paradox of Choice” about how having too many options in a modern consumer society leads to confusion, overburdened customers, and depression. Personally, I think anyone who condemns having a surplus of options needs to take an all-expenses-paid trip to someplace like Cambodia, but this seasonal sport overlap is the type of scenario that can almost cause me to see down their dopey path of dislogic.
Anyway, the Wizards were in town on Tuesday night, a team for which I’ve never cared. Maybe it’s because Gilbert Arenas goes to the free throw line even when he doesn’t get hit with anything harder than Adam Morrison’s dandruff, or maybe it’s because they represent a city that has determined “Bullets” to be a more offensive team name than “Redskins.” Either way, when I heard that they lost Caron Butler to a season-ending injury a few days ago, I reacted about as sympathetically as Tony Soprano did when he heard about Phil Leotardo’s heart attack.
The one downside to Butler being out is that we have to look at more of Washington’s bench players in action. Is there anything more graceful than the down-low play of Etan Thomas and Jarvis Hayes? Perhaps only two rhinoceroses fornicating. If I’m Greg Oden, I’m not worried about how well I stack up against Shaq or Tim Duncan, I’m concerned about guys like Thomas or Michael Ruffin turning me into Leon Spinks. Eerie Wizards Benchwarmer Moment of the Game: midway through the second quarter, I was remarking to myself how much it looked like Darius Songaila looked like an indoor soccer player wearing shinguards, when he actually headed the ball into the Bobcats’ goal—er, net.
Speaking of unlikely events, it was that kind of the night for the Cats. Even when it seemed like we were trying to lose, the Wizards refused to allow us. It was kind of hard to explain—is there some advantage to being the 5th-seeded playoff team rather than the 4th? We put the Wizards on the foul line more often than Rod Stewart remarries, but they only hit 16/24. Arenas had 33 points, but only made 4/11 3-pointers. Not that we just woke up and won this one. Using a short bench, the Cats had six guys in double figures, led by Gerald Wallace with 32 points, 13 boards, 3 blocks, and 2 steals. Raymond Felton had 17 points and 14 assists, Brevin Knight (remember him?) had 12 assists off the bench, Emeka Okafor had 17 points and 14 boards…Jesus, I’m just now realizing how much we really rang this one up! I haven’t even gotten to Herrmann’s 21 or Jake Voskuh’s 13. Wow, maybe the season isn’t really that long after all, because it seems like only yesterday Coach Eddie Jordan was going on and on about that defense-first philosophy his team was going to have this year.