Not only are the Bobcats 7-57 against the league, they’re now 0-2 against national columnists. In SI.com, Michael Rosenberg wondered how someone as competitive as Michael Jordan could let something like this season happen. In his ESPN Insider Per Diem column, John Hollinger demonstrated how the team’s atrociousness is historically significant. I halfway expect to turn on tomorrow night’s game against Orlando and see Anderson Cooper solemnly reporting from outside of the arena, wearing a CNN-branded raincoat and describing the situation as an “ongoing catastrophe.” The Bobcats are officially in Secret Service-territory now, a national embarrassment. They’re also the worst nightmare for fans like me, who hope that if their teams can’t be any good then can’t they at least not make a scene?
Nope, they’re making that scene. In fact, they’re getting drunk and throwing up in a crowded restaurant while picking their noses. With spinach in their teeth. “When the Kings arrived in North Carolina on Saturday evening,” wrote Jason Jones in the Sacramento Bee, “they had a practice that focused on what they needed to do to beat the Bobcats.” Does that mean they practiced showing up? Because I’m not really sure what else is required nowadays. The Kings owned more paint than Sherwin-Williams, scoring 78 from close-range. DeMarcus Cousins, Jason Thompson, and Travis Outlaw rampaged through the Bobcats’ frontcourt like George, Lizzy, and Ralph. It wasn’t just Sacramento’s bigs, either; the Bobcats made Isaiah Thomas look like Isiah Thomas, and Tyreke Evans’ notorious inability to develop long-distance range didn’t really matter when all of his shots were slam-dunks. To me, this felt like the first time the Bobcats had genuinely stopped trying, especially on defense. Everything about their effort was humiliating, including the technical foul on Bismack Biyombo (although I guess that means his English must really be coming along).
Then the Washington Wizards spilled out of their clown cars on Monday and won by an unfathomable twenty-eight. Actually, I take that back, because not only can I fathom it, I watched it happen. This was more of the same as the Kings game—50+ points in the paint, 28 fast break points, 55% shooting—except more PG-oriented. Wizards guard John Wall pushed it, pushed it real good. He split the Bobcats’ defense like a watermelon at a Gallagher concert en route to a 16 and 14. To counter this, all the Bobcats could do was dust-off DJ Augustin from his 4-game absence and throw him out there. To his credit, Augustin was actually semi-competent with 16 points and 6 dimes, but he was essentially just another teen thrown into a slasher film. The Bobcats were down by 24 at halftime and it only got worse from there.
Finally, because this might be the last time we see him this year (or preferably ever), Tyrus Thomas deserves some special recognition. Amidst a bloodbath of horrifying statistics, Thomas still managed to distinguish himself by racking up 3 turnovers and a +/- of -10 despite just three minutes of playing time. The only reason he didn’t assault the stat sheet any further was because he decided to assault James Singleton instead and got ejected. Between his bizarre skinniness, terrible play, erratic behavior, I’m starting to wonder if the Bobcats aren’t simply paying him in cocaine.