TORONTO—In a shocking announcement on Friday night, the Charlotte Bobcats declared to the world that they had won a basketball game. In a chaotic press conference, spokesman Kemba Walker stated, “The Charlotte Bobcats have now amassed enough knowledge and technology to acquire a basketball win. What’s more, our goal is to acquire multiple basketball wins within a period of 60-70 days. We are now fully operational.” Though there were few eyewitnesses willing to come forward, grainy footage was released showing Mr. Walker, along with several prominent leaders of the “Bobcats”—a radical splinter group of the organization known as the “NBA”—that appeared to back up his claim. Walker denied accusations that his organization had committed a hostile act by procuring this win, claiming, “We are merely taking the necessary steps for our organization’s future security.” Asked by one reporter what the next step might be, Walker would only say that “all options are on the table.”
Actually, Kemba Walker’s real comments after the game were as follows: “Even though it’s only our fourth win, it’s just a win.” He also helpfully added: “A win is a win.” Nevertheless, I was so dumbstruck by what had just happened that I needed read and re-read his quote as if it were from Basketball Prospectus. The Bobcats won! Here’s the other great thing: they actually played well. There’s one huge caveat to this statement, which is that the Raptors shot an abysmal 2-for-16 from 3-point range; in other words, they pulled a “Tyrus Thomas.” But nothing else about the Raptors’ play was abysmal; in fact I’d say it was pretty abysmal—average shooting percentage, turnovers, etc. There had to have been an emotional letdown—let’s face it: the Lakers, the NY Lins, and the Spurs had just come to town, so following that up with Charlotte is like following Led Zeppelin up with Right Said Fred. Oh yeah, Toronto also didn’t have Andrea Bargnani. But hey, we didn’t play Gana Diop, so I’d call that even. Yup, I think this was a legitimate win. Hell, who cares; at this point the win could have been more illegitimate than Frances Quinn Hunter and I’d take it.