Okay, now comes the part in which I have to examine the last four guys on the Bobcats’ regular rotation.  And because I’m essentially looking at the worst four players on my favorite team, which was also the worst team in NBA history, I’ve got to be careful that this recap doesn’t quickly turn into a suicide note.  Here we go…

DJ Augustin (1,408 minutes played) – I have no idea why Rick Bonnell of the Charlotte Observer declared Augustin to be one of the team’s four “sure keepers.”  DJ Augustin is untouchable?  Really?  I feel like I’m stuck in a burning house with a pothead who is refusing to leave without first securing all of the boxes of Fruit Loops.  In a contract year, Augustin had his worst TS% ever, his second-worst PER, and his worst turnover rate.  On second thought, I agree with you, Rick, what’s not to love?  Augustin also missed 27% of the team’s games, and these were for things like tendinitis and cracks in his feet—i.e., “old man” injuries that are probably only going to get worse.  And then there’s the fact that he’s tiny and his backup is also tiny, which would be fine if the Bobcats were a team of jockeys in the National Horseracing Association, but given that this is basketball, it’s problematic.  You know, looking back I’m kicking myself for not raising more of a stink when the team drafted Kemba Walker.  It’s absolutely crazy to have two sub-6-footers PGs on the same basketball team—why didn’t we as fans ring more alarm bells over this?  I feel like my late Christian Conservative grandmother would have if someone from her church had ever told her that the Village People’s “Y.M.C.A,” which she loved, was in fact not an earnest tribute to a volunteer organization that develops healthy young men.   Anyway, Augustin is an unrestricted free agent with a $4.4M qualifying offer due to him.  I don’t even know if any team will make him an offer that tops that, but if one does, the Bobcats should agonize about what to do for several fretful seconds before deciding not to match.  Unless the NBA suddenly implements a new role in which you get bonus points for slam-dunking your own teammates through the hoop, there are larger point guards to be had out there.

Look at it this way, Bobcats fans: at least “.106 winning percentage” doesn’t make for a very catchy derisive chant.  Not only is Charlotte officially the worst team ever, with 23 losses to close out the season (23—the Irony-Meter’s on 10), one month-old Bobcats fans everywhere are wondering if the Bobcats will ever win a game in their lifetime.  At least Scott Fowler should be happy.  The Charlotte Observer columnist wrote an idiotic article on Saturday hoping that the Bobcats would lose out in order to achieve a sort of “worst-ever” celebrity status.  “Make this season one for the record books,” Fowler wrote, “and then rebuild.”  Call me crazy, but I see no upside in being associated with the worst-ever team.

Actually, Fred Carter would call me crazy.  The unofficial spokesman for the 1972-73 76ers, the NBA’s now-former worst-ever team, really did seem to revel in the notoriety.  Back in 2010, when the Nets were threatening to displace the 76ers as the worst-ever team, Carter told the New York Times that he hoped it wouldn’t happen. “Immortality only comes in so many different ways,” Carter reasoned, sounding disturbingly like how I imagine Charles Manson looks back on the Tate-Labianca murders.  Then again, Carter also claims credit for being the person who invented the fist-bump, so he might be a few beers short of a six-pack.  I’m even slightly worried that Carter might take out a lawsuit against the Bobcats for a combination of defamation and copyright infringement.

I spent Wednesday night watching the Bobcats get pummeled by the Bulls, and then I had to spend the following morning on the subway watching this guy get pummeled by what smelled like Old Gran Dad.  Both visual experiences were equally depressing.  It’s just no fun watching people futilely attempt something at which they’re pathetically overmatched—whether it’s being competitive against the probable NBA Eastern Conference finalists or soberly transporting a bag of plastic recyclables.

The totality of the Bulls’ onslaught was impressive: they shot 48%, outrebounded Charlotte by 19, and they passed the ball around like it was gonorrhea, putting up 29 assists against just 9 turnovers.  Just as remarkably, they spread the playing time like lard at a Cracker Barrel, with 9 guys getting 20+ minutes.  They won by 32 without their reigning MVP, thanks mostly to John Lucas III, the most inspiring “Lucas” since Corey Feldman.  Meanwhile, their defense, #1 in efficiency, completely sucked the life out of Charlotte, limiting them to 30% shooting—only if you round up—and clamping down on the few remaining Bobcats scoring threats.  Gerald Henderson was held to just 13 points because Ronnie Brewer and Richard Hamilton were in his shorts like a catheter, and the Bulls accelerated Byron Mullens’ steady dissolution as a useful player (3-of-11 from the field and an incredible -38 +/-).  All in all, it was an overwhelming display by a dominant team, flexing its championship-contending muscles.

The good thing about having one of the lottery picks in the coming draft is that it is hard to go wrong with whoever you pick. Every player that will get taken in the early part of the first round is bound to make a difference on whatever team they happen to land on.

That is exactly what the Charlotte Bobcats will be hoping when it becomes their turn to choose from this year’s crop of future stars.

When you have a team that has played as poorly as the Bobcats have this season you’d think that the team could just put a bunch of names on a dart board have His Airness close his eyes and throw. If that dart were to land on Andre Drummond (center, UConn Huskies) would it be a good choice for the ‘Cats?

Drummond was one of the best players in the country coming out of high school in 2011. ESPN and NBADraft.net had him rated as the No 1 player in the country; Rivals.com and Scout.com had him No 2. If the NBA was still drafting kids straight out of high school he would have gone in last year’s draft.

Should the Bobcats take him he could very well be the center that the team needs. He has the size of an NBA center standing 6-foot 11-inches and weighing in at 275 pounds. He could be a tough defensive presence down low, is known for being a solid rebounder and shot blocker, and has a decent (and improving) offensive game.

The man can play; that’s a given, but do the ‘Cats need him? What about Bismack Biyombo?

Poor Rick Bonnell.  Did you catch his recap of Wednesday’s latest loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves?  There are no quotes or analysis; it’s more like a set of bullet points:

The Bobcats outscored the Timberwolves 20-9 in Najera’s seven first-half minutes

Najera scored only two points, but he grabbed eight rebounds and play rugged defense.

Henderson scored 11 points in the first half, getting to the foul line six times.

Reserve point guard Walker added nine points, earning four trips to the foul line and making them all.

Not exactly a page-turner.  I can hardly blame him, though.  What are you supposed to do when your team is 7-41 and has the league’s worst FG%?  Oh, and then when you ask Corey Maggette about it, he gives you quotes like this: “We’ve got guys who can score. We just haven’t been making shots.” I’ll tell you what you do: you write recaps that read like police reports of murdered prostitutes.

Or you start supplying hilariously unnecessary definitions, like he did in his recap of the recent 76ers game:

“The Sixers…more than doubled the Bobcats in second-chance points (24 to 11). Second-chance points are all scoring resulting from offensive rebounds.”

I found this one especially amusing because it comes at the bottom of the article, which left me wondering the following:  what person out there would a) care enough about basketball to read this entire recap of one of the worst teams of all time losing another forgettable game, but b) not know what the phrase “second-chance points” means?  Anyway, the point is, we all do what we can to keep from turning into a JetBlue pilot.  So hang in there, Rick, make sure your bunker is secure, and remember to keep your iodine tablets handy for when you run out of potable water.

First of all, I’m so pissed that Michael Pena of Red 94 stole my thunder.  I was all over that line from Houston Rockets color analyst/balding community icon Clyde Drexler about Tyrus Thomas not having “enough sand in his pants.”  The game was well into the third quarter and the Bobcats were already down by a million, so I was counting on the fact that I was one of the few people still watching, and therefore that gem of a line was going to be my reward.  But Michael beat me to the punch!  So instead, I’ll call up another zinger from ol’ Glide a few years ago when he compared some easy task (I forget exactly what it was—perhaps getting Bonzi Wells to overeat at a Cheesecake Factory) to “clubbing baby seals.”  Yikes!  Where was Drexler raised?  A ditch in Antarctica?

Second, I disagree with Rick Bonnell’s post-Rockets game assessment that the Bobcats are “barely going through the motions.”  I think their motions have actually been quite robust; I just think they’re a terrible team.  None of the starting five should actually be a starter, and only Thomas and Corey Maggette are performing noticeably worse than their career averages.  Also, after all of the 30-point blow-outs, why does Bonnell suddenly now think that they’re barely going through the motions?  Against Houston, Charlotte only lost by 20 on the road to a playoff team that just beat OKC—hey, for Bobcats fans, that means it’s Miller Time!  With this level of talent, opposing teams should be crushing Charlotte every night.  As Drexler would say, it’s like beating up a crippled nun.