Yuck.  After Wednesday night, I can honestly say that the only thing worse than the lockout has been the actual season.  The Bobcats were flayed by the Pistons—mostly due to Greg Monroe, who had a trillion rebounds, 750 billion of which were offensive.  Games against teams like Detroit are probably the most wretched of all, because I don’t think there’s a big talent gap between them and us.  After two games, though, they’ve beaten us by a combined 32 points.  Moreover, from top-to-bottom they’ve shown far more skill and energy (even Charlie Villanueva’s 5-year/$35M contract outperforms Tyrus Thomas’s 5-year/$40M deal).

But the centerpiece has been Monroe.  I really love watching Monroe play.  In fact, he’s #3 on my All-Monroe list, ahead of Marilyn and behind only our 5^th President (who’s underrated, by the way—how many Presidents have an era associated with them that’s known as the “Era of Good Feelings”?  Anyone think this current era is going to be called anything close to that?), and Monroe from Too Close For Comfort, who pioneered the way for wacky, quasi-gay sit-com neighbors.  But still, there’s no excuse for what happened on Wednesday, in which Monroe’s 8 offensive rebounds (part of 18 total for Detroit) gave the Pistons more second chances than Chris Brown.  The Bobcats tried to hide behind the excuse that Bismack Biyombo’s injury took away their interior presence, but that conveniently ignores the fact that Monroe already had 4 boards in the 9 minutes that Biyombo did play.

I thought I’d use this All Star Break as a nice chance to gasp for air in this waterboarding session of a season and not write at all about the Bobcats for a weekend.  I didn’t feel like examining this team’s first 30-odd games of the year anymore than I feel like examining my own rectum.  But I was inspired by Gregg Easterbrook of all people.  For those of you lucky enough to have not stumbled on him, Easterbrook spews forth his recurring “Tuesday Morning Quarterback” column on ESPN during the NFL season, in which he peppers his pathological hatred for large football-centric colleges and drafted football players amongst random outer-space factoids and ponderous, in-depth critiques of terrible sci-fi shows that nobody likes in the first place.  He also loves to theorize, and does so with arrogant certainty—which is funny, because one of his go-to theories is that a team or a coach failed because they “angered the football gods.”  Probably the only reason I keep reading his columns is that he fills me with that sense of shame and disgust that I can’t get anywhere else during the Bobcats offseason.

Anyway, I was looking over one of the TMQ’s Easterbrook shat out towards the end of this NFL season, and it featured one of his typical pseudo-lectures, this one being on why football has become such a hit on television.  Here were his five reasons:

• Football is America’s most popular sport
• Football is a great DVR sport
• Football is live
• Women are acquiring more social and economic power
• Only men can understand flat-screen HD TV remotes

TORONTO—In a shocking announcement on Friday night, the Charlotte Bobcats declared to the world that they had won a basketball game.  In a chaotic press conference, spokesman Kemba Walker stated, “The Charlotte Bobcats have now amassed enough knowledge and technology to acquire a basketball win.  What’s more, our goal is to acquire multiple basketball wins within a period of 60-70 days.  We are now fully operational.”  Though there were few eyewitnesses willing to come forward, grainy footage was released showing Mr. Walker, along with several prominent leaders of the “Bobcats”—a radical splinter group of the organization known as the “NBA”—that appeared to back up his claim.  Walker denied accusations that his organization had committed a hostile act by procuring this win, claiming, “We are merely taking the necessary steps for our organization’s future security.”  Asked by one reporter what the next step might be, Walker would only say that “all options are on the table.”

Actually, Kemba Walker’s real comments after the game were as follows: “Even though it’s only our fourth win, it’s just a win.” He also helpfully added: “A win is a win.”  Nevertheless, I was so dumbstruck by what had just happened that I needed read and re-read his quote as if it were from Basketball Prospectus.   The Bobcats won!  Here’s the other great thing: they actually played well.  There’s one huge caveat to this statement, which is that the Raptors shot an abysmal 2-for-16 from 3-point range; in other words, they pulled a “Tyrus Thomas.”  But nothing else about the Raptors’ play was abysmal; in fact I’d say it was pretty abysmal—average shooting percentage, turnovers, etc.  There had to have been an emotional letdown—let’s face it: the Lakers, the NY Lins, and the Spurs had just come to town, so following that up with Charlotte is like following Led Zeppelin up with Right Said Fred.  Oh yeah, Toronto also didn’t have Andrea Bargnani.  But hey, we didn’t play Gana Diop, so I’d call that even.  Yup, I think this was a legitimate win.  Hell, who cares; at this point the win could have been more illegitimate than Frances Quinn Hunter and I’d take it.

I don’t actually have anything to say about Jeremy Lin; I’m just trying to drive traffic to our website.[1]  In fact, as an NYC resident, I mostly can’t even watch Lin play, due to James Dolan’s dispute with Time Warner.[2]  I’ve written about this at length, and the bottom line is that Knicks games aren’t available to Time Warner customers.[3]  This is especially problematic because Time Warner is the only cable provider in town.[4]  There is no “good guy” in this dispute that fans can back, by the way—both entities are loathsome; it’s like trying to cheer for Alien vs. Predator.  So while the rest of the world has been enjoying Lin’s exploits, I’m stuck watching the Bobcats, who unfortunately are heavily sponsored by Time Warner and therefore can’t be in a dispute that knocks them off Time Warner.[5]

At least the Bobcats played their latest two opponents (the Sixers and the Timberwolves) close—well, closer.  In fact, I think we could have beaten the Timberwolves if we’d played them two weeks ago when Kevin Love was suspended…Well, maybe not, because two weeks ago we wouldn’t have had Corey Maggette or DJ Augustin in the lineup.  But if the Bobcats of last night had played the Timberwolves of two weeks ago, then I think we would have won…Well, maybe not, because I think we would also need Gerald Henderson, too, and he’s probably not going to be back for two more weeks.  So put it this way: if the Bobcats of two weeks into the future had played the Timberwolves of two weeks ago last night, I think the Bobcats would have won.  But only if the game was also at home.

The Bobcats played as the Carolina Cougars on Saturday night, and “Cougars” is a fitting name for this team, considering how many of their losses are over 30 and pathetic.  Their opponents were the Clippers (playing in LA Stars throwbacks that must have been created before the invention of fonts), and Blake Griffin and his tag-team partner DeAndre Jordan threw down more than a Real Housewife on Ladies Night.  Overall, it was a desperate, embarrassing experience that made me want to curl up with a jug of ice cream and watch Sex and the City reruns.

I can’t imagine what poor Dell Curry, legendary 3-point maker, is going through as he watches nights like this, in which the team went 1-for-14 from behind the arc and shot 35% overall.  It’s like forcing Steven Spielberg to watch and comment on the movie Cannibal Holocaust.  At one point, you could even sense Curry’s despair, as he began addressing players directly over the air.  “You can’t do that, Byron,” Curry pleaded with Byron Mullens after he clanged (“clanged” is actually too strong a word, as it implies that the ball actually hit the rim) a terrible jumper late in the third quarter.  “I know you want to score, you want to make some shots, but you’ve gotta move the ball,” he moaned insistently.  I could imagine his sidekick Steve Martin turning off his mike, grabbing a delirious Curry by the shoulders, and saying, “No, Dell, Byron can’t hear you, Byron can’t hear you!  It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.”

If there is one thing that the sporting world knows it is that Michael Jordan is one ultra-competitive individual. He proved that time and time again during his days with the Bulls, in college with the Tar Heels, and heck, even with the Chicago White Sox minor league team he played for.

We know this man wants to win, so why isn’t he doing anything to improve the worst team in the NBA—his team, the Charlotte Bobcats?

Yes, he has gone into the locker room and given the guys a piece of his mind, something that had to hold weight with this young team since most of these guys probably grew up idolizing Michael Jordan. Other than that, has he even showed any emotion in regards to all the losing? Not that I’ve seen.

Being a competitive guy with his own money on the line, one would think that he would be making an effort to improve the team now rather than wait and see who he gets in the next draft. Other than the rumored possible trade with the Washington Wizards, Tyrus Thomas for Andre Blatche, there is no help for the Bobcats on the way.