Many causal NBA fans haven’t watched Charlotte play a single game this year. But they may have heard anecdotally about how the team was blown out by 39 against Miami or by 30 against the Hawks. And thus they have probably come to the easy, lazy conclusion that this team has played some bad games. But you know something? What these ignorant so-called “fans” don’t realize is that our Charlotte Bobcats have played other games, too, games like last night against the Nets…and those games are actually even worse. How awful was Sunday night’s game? I would make a prisoner watch it in order to beat a confession out of him. I haven’t watched something that depraved, sick, and twisted since that episode of Whitney. In fact, when talking about the Bobcats, I’m thinking of replacing the word “watching” with the phrase, “subjecting yourself to,” as in, “Hey, are you subjecting yourself to the Bobcats tonight?”
Sunday night was actually bad to the point of profundity. Through suffering comes enlightenment, and I’m convinced that all of us—in choosing to wat—I mean, subject ourselves to—this team, are not simply expressing our die-hard fandom but responding to a higher calling. Here’s how: People think of this as a golden age for basketball, with an amazing cast of stars and super-teams. But the Bobcats are so cover-your-eyes horrifying that maybe the real reason we’re here is to document that it wasn’t all wonderful for the NBA circa-2012. Bobcats Planet may actually be the NBA’s very own “How the Other Half Lives.” We’re the 99-percenters. The black people on Mad Men. After all, Raging Bull and Ordinary People weren’t the only movies released in 1981; so was Make Them Die Slowly. Thirty years from now they’ll uncover this website, and it will serve as a testimony to those faceless, forgotten, hopeless masses who didn’t live in New York, Chicago, Miami, and LA.