“The lesson learned here is we can’t come out flat as a tack and give up those kind of points early,” coach Mike Dunlap said last night, following an abominable home loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers. First of all, Dunlap was clearly referring to the head of a tack, which is flat and spherical, rather than the pin portion, which is sharp and dangerous. Still, this seems like a clumsy use of a metaphor, because it’s that sharp edge that most people envision when they think about tacks. If you ever hear someone scream because they just stepped on a tack, your first thought isn’t, “Oh no, I bet the flatness of that tack was really painful!” In fact, let’s suppose that there were aliens who had no knowledge of our culture but had managed to intercept a single Hot 97 radio transmission of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems,” in which the phrase, “Aren’t you sharp as a tack?” is used. Those same aliens would be completely confused if they then had also managed to listen in on coach Dunlap’s interview last night. So let’s try to work on that, okay, coach? Try “flat as a 2-liter container of Diet Coke after it’s been left open for a week,” or “flat as a tire after it’s run over the Incredible Hulk’s heroin syringe,” or whatever pops in your head. It’s not that hard.

Anyway, the other embarrassing part of that quote is that this was not the first time the Bobcats have been given the “lesson” of starting out slow. The Bobcats have had this lesson enough to create an online Coursera syllabus. It’s also not clear why one would need a “lesson” about the dangers of letting a team score 62 points in the first half. In a game in which the object is to score more points than one’s opponent, and points are worth the same throughout the game, then limiting one’s opponents points at all times would seem fairly intuitive. In my college engineering courses, we never had a lesson on the importance of not building the Hoover Dam out of Gummi Bears. Okay, sorry, I’m just pissy right now.

The Charlotte Bobcats snapped an 18-game losing streak on Monday, by somehow topping the Chicago Bulls – on the road. I know Derrick Rose still isn’t back, but when five of Charlotte’s wins on the whole year are at home and just three are on the road, you have to stop and take notice.

Then again, after you lose so much for so long, you’re bound to trip and fall on a ‘W’ eventually, right?

Not if you asked me prior to the game. In fact, I had the Bobcats cracking 20 straight losses, and at one point pondered whether it was possible for them to go all of January without a win.

Unfortunately, that’s still a possibility. The good news for now, however, is that an awful losing streak is over, and even though it seemed like it’d never come, the Bobcats can actually get a winning streak going.

The likelihood actually increases dramatically with an equally bad Cleveland Cavaliers squad (7-26) coming into town Friday night.

Let’s take a closer look at the matchup as we try to figure out if Charlotte can get their ninth win of the season and second in a row:

1. The Point – Edge: Cavaliers

This one really comes down to Kyrie Irving versus Kemba Walker. As good as Walker has played over the course of his second season, we all have to agree he’s nowhere close to Irving as a complete point guard. Irving isn’t quite a finished product yet either, but he’s further advanced than Walker, and he’s a better point guard and arguably a better defender. Cleveland’s depth isn’t quite there with Charlotte, but from a talent stand-point the get the nod here.

Amazingly, the Bobcats continue to break new records in humiliation.  I personally thought they topped out by losing back-to-back blowouts to the Cavaliers and Wizards last week, but it turns out they were just getting warmed up.  In fact, those games were mere wedgies and “Kick Me” signs compared to the bucket of pig’s blood that was Monday’s Hornets game.

But before getting to that one, I don’t want to take away from Sunday night’s loss to the Celtics, because it was marvelously putrid in its own right.  For starters, the C’s rested their “Big 3” of Garnett, Pierce, and Allen.  It made no difference, though, because right now the Bobcats couldn’t beat the band Boston, let alone the basketball team. PG Rajon Rondo (20-16-6) had his way with the entire team, frequently tangling up Kemba Walker and DJ Augustin in screens like Batman villains on the old 60s TV show.  Rondo was hardly alone, though.  Greg Stiemsma, a cross between Serge Ibaka and Eminem, blocked 6 shots and owned the paint.  Avery Bradley and Brandon Bass combined to go 18-for-33 from the field.  Ryan Hollins played 20 minutes.  That’s how bad it was.

And then came the Hornets game, which was the NBA’s answer to the Pete Campbell-Lane Pryce fight.  In a spectacular display of joint-incompetence, both teams threatened to break the all-time lowest scoring mark held by the Celtics and the Hawks…That would be the Milwaukee Hawks of 1955, back when the league was populated by guys named Dickie, Whitey, and Adolph.  Poor Spencer Percy’s recap of this embarrassing monstrosity for ESPN’s Daily Dime read more like a cry for help. “That was painful, pitiful, pathetic. Take your pick,” Percy wrote, “I’m just not so sure this team isn’t really the worst ever. Every night it gets harder to watch the Bobcats play.”  Percy should just make a hologram of himself reading his recap and send it to David Stern, Princess Leia-style.

I’ll say this about the latest two Bobcats games: as bloodcurdling as they were to witness, they provided us all with perfect clarity.  I had been holding out a shred of hope that the team could somehow avoid the worst record of all time, and now I no longer do.  If we can’t beat the Wizards at home (with no Nene) or the Cavaliers on the road (where they had just dropped two games by 35 and were without Kyrie Irving), then the Bobcats really are the NBA’s Death Star, and we are headed straight for it; we’re in its tractor beam, and there’s no escape.  I liken these past two games to the scene in Independence Day in which they talk to the aliens for the first time.  After most of civilization has been destroyed, President Bill Pullman nonetheless tries to negotiate with the creatures.  “Can there be a peace between us?” he asks.  “No peace,” is the answer.  “What do you expect us to do?” he follows up.  “Die,” is the response.  Yep, that’s about where are with the Bobcats, and in a weird way, I’m thankful for the team for driving that point home.

Really, to think anything positive about this team is purely delusional.  Not after the Bobcats welcomed back Cartier Martin to the NBA by watching him go for 19-and-6.  The man was more open from downtown than a peep show at midnight, going 4-of-8 from distance.  Meanwhile, Jordan Crawford, with his strange, hunched gait, nevertheless poured in 20 points on 7-for-12 shooting.  And even if the guys on the floor haven’t quit, management sure has.  I imagine an Airplane-like discussion must have taken place prior to the Wizards game regarding the decision to have Corey Maggette start on the bench:

• Paul Silas: “Shouldn’t we start our best player and most consistent scorer?”
• Stephen Silas: “No, that’s just what they’d be expecting us to do.”

The MLK day loss against Cleveland is my early-season favorite for Most Infuriating Bobcats Loss of the Year.  Any game in which Charlotte blows a second-half double-digit lead is going to be a contender for the prize.  However, considering this team, there are probably going to be several candidates for this award before the season’s over.  Thus it’s going to take more than a mere blown lead at home to win the award, so let’s consider a few other factors that might separate this one from what will surely be a crowded field:

• The four huge points at the end from one of the league’s most irritating players, Anderson Varejao (in characteristically garbage fashion) that made it all possible
• The missed free throws (14 for 26 from the line)—couldn’t have done it without you, either!
• The inexplicable and repeated and-1’s given up to Omri Casspi.  I can understand this happening with Kyrie Erving, but why was Casspi so unguardable?  He’s not a great shooter or dribbler, he looks out of shape, and he’s not even very fast when he’s in shape.  He should have been easier to cover than the Wailing Wall; I just don’t get it.
• After getting our hopes up in the first half, the shooting percentage sank like an Italian cruise ship in the second half.  Watching all of those clangs was just torturous.  Jim Caviezel could have used the second half to get into character for The Passion of the Christ.

(AP Photo/Tony Dejak)

Box Score

When considering the Bobcats lottery prospects this loss will likely help in ensuring a higher draft pick. In the here and now however, it raises a few concerns.

Firstly, there are few players on the Bobcats who aren’t defensive liabilities. For as much as Augustin gives on offense (26 points, 9 assists), he gives up as much on the defensive end. DJ White is more or less in the same boat. This isn’t a new issue for either, but it’s too bad considering both are off to the best starts of their careers. The rest of team has trouble defending as well, with the Cavaliers scoring 56 points in the paint, and at other times getting too many open looks. The size disadvantage contributes to this, so the return of Tyrus Thomas is needed quickly if this team wants any chance of defending down low.

This was supposed to be Kemba Walker vs. Kyrie Irving, but Walker had his worst game as a pro. Two points on 1-6 shooting compared to Irving’s 20 points and six assists. When looking back, the absence of Walker made a difference. In both of the Bobcats close games, Walker had stretches of play that kept the Bobcats in the game. He may not be a starter, but if the Cats are going to win any games this year he will need to show up.

Diaw has crashed down to Earth after his good start. He looked tired, unfocused and still out of shape. He was scoreless with five rebounds and five fouls, and it was hard to find any justification for him being in the game in the 2^nd half.

After a scoreless first half Henderson got hot in the 2^nd finishing with 16 points and seven rebounds. These numbers are what you want from him, but not necessarily all in one half. The next step for him is to become more consistent.