After the Bobcats fumbled away losses in Brooklyn and against the Miami Heat scabs, I got curious as to how historically bad their defense was. This became particularly pressing after the Heat game, in which Charlotte gave up 26 points to Mike Miller. Mike Miller is so decrepit right now that he looks like he can’t dribble more than five feet without needing a liver transplant. And I don’t think that’s a mouth guard he’s constantly fiddling with, I think they’re ill-fitting dentures. Basically all he can do is stand there and shoot 3’s, and if you’re defending him, you should just keep a guy on him at all times. The Bobcats flamed out in this task like Maverick and Goose’s F-14 (Miller shot 7-11 from distance), as they’ve done in nearly all other defensive tasks this year.

The Bobcats are giving up 1.078 points-per-possession this year, which is worst in the league. And it’s worse than last year’s team, which was the…hold on…oh yeah, also the Bobcats (1.065 ppp). But the good news is, in all previous years, the worst defenses get seriously bad. The immortal 2009-10 and 2010-11 Toronto Raptors (1.100 and 1.091 ppp, respectively), for instance, actually put a tax on defense to help fund an oil pipeline in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan.

But the real leaders of the worst defense clubhouse were the 2008-9 Sacramento Kings. As if I needed to remind you, this was the team that started out the season under the guidance of Reggie Theus, a man whom many feared might have been suffering from brain damage brought on by years of inhaling the fumes of his own jheri curls. Theus was replaced by Kenny Natt in December, the team finished with 17 wins, and Natt was literally outsourced to India, where he now coaches their national team. Perusing some of their box scores from that year is highly amusing, especially the 143-141 OT loss to Golden State on April 1^st. This was a game that prominently featured Kevin Martin, Monta Ellis, Beno Udrich, and Jamal Crawford: if you’re interested in building an all-time worst defending gunner team, I think I’ve just found your backcourt.

The Heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. On every beat. Caught up in the action, the Bobcats were looking out for LeBron James and company on Sunday night, but they were unable to slow down the Miami force of nature that blew through them like a 1985 saxophone riff. True to their M.O., Miami kept the foreplay up deep in the second half, allowing the Bobcats to stay within 5 points as late as 7:30 into the third quarter. But that’s when the necking and heavy petting ended, and James delivered money shot after money shot, as the Heat straddled the 3^rd and 4^th quarters with a 26-5 scoring orgy that climaxed in a 32-point blowout, 109-77.

Along the way, the Bobcats set the unofficial record for most NBA game recaps featuring the word “drought”; sometimes I can’t tell if I’m reading about the Bobcats or Sudan. “Once they got settled in, started making plays,” said guard Gerald Henderson afterward, “They got back into the game and we also went on a long drought where we couldn’t score the ball.” Particularly parched were Byron Mullens (2-of-8 overall, 1-of-5 from 3-point range) and Ben Gordon (0-of-7 overall, 0 (obviously)-of-3 from 3-point range). Overall the Cats generated a shooting percentage so tiny (33.7%) that Rick Moranis accidentally ate it with his Cheerios. Without a large, mobile, athletic big (or even one of the above), the Bobcats were forced to work the ball around the horn and hoist up a comical 25 3-pointers. “We ran into some dry spells and we settled for way too many 3s,” coach Mike Dunlap said. “At the end of the game we had 25, and that’s not who we are.”

The news was mostly bad in Miami last night. First, the Bobcats lost their 9^th straight game to the Heat. The Heat dominate the Bobcats like Rafael Nadal dominates clay courts, Beyoncé dominates national anthems, Ray Lewis dominates psalms, and Gana Diop dominates White Castle drive-thrus. Second, while the Bobcats were going down in Heat flames, the Wizards were winning their 12^th game of the year against the Clippers, which leaves 11-win Charlotte trapped all alone in an underground bunker of last-place suckage. Third, the Bobcats continued waging their deadly jihad on 4^th quarter leads—albeit this one was only a blown single-point lead. Fourth, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist remains out of action after unsuccessfully using his skull as a cushion for teammate Jeff Taylor’s knee in Houston, and there’s no return date in sight. In summary, Charlotte is slumming once again in the NBA and the rent is too damn high.

But there was some good news last night. First, it took another remarkable effort from LeBron James to enable the Heat to eke out a 5-point win. Bron-Bron shot 13-of-14 for 31 points, 8 boards, and 8 assists (and felt the odd need afterward to point out that he “didn’t plan it that way”). James was covered primarily by Gerald Henderson and Jeff Taylor, each of whom looked tiny enough next to him to pose for a Vogue cover. The Bobcats couldn’t stop King James, nor could they really contain him, nor could they even isolate him (Miami’s Big 3 combined for 64 of their 99 points). But Charlotte at least stuck with their game plan, which was to force LeBron James to beat them…which he then did…so I forget why I put this in the “good” paragraph. But anyway, in general, the Bobcats played a feisty game, narrowly out-blocking, out-stealing, and (get this!) out-boarding the Heat. Ramon Sessions epitomized the team’s toughness by going a perfect 10-of-10 from the line, including once after taking a stiff though mercifully testicle-free shot from Dwyane Wade on a breakaway. And for once in their lives the Cats closed out the perimeter by limiting Miami to just 1-of-12 from 3-PT range. So all of that was good.

Last night, late in the 105-92 loss to the defending champion Miami Heat, the defending worst win % ever Charlotte Bobcats had a chance.  A puncher’s chance, but a chance to beat Miami, late in the game; that’s really saying something.  The pivotal moment, in my estimation came with about 8:15 left in the fourth quarter.  Just watch the video:

I’m probably reading far too deep into this, but there are so many layers to this; it’s symptomatic of so much going on with the Bobcats, the Heat, the league in general but seriously, it’s a moment in time when a dude who is 3 weeks short of his 31st birthday kicked another dude in the nuts.  I’ll say it for googlers and those who refuse to click videos:  Dwyane Wade kicked Ramon Sessions in the nuts.  Two time champ, Finals MVP, 8 time All-Star, Dwyane Wade kicked 5th year pro-basketball player Ramon Sessions in the nuts.  A grown man, professional, a dude who wrote a book on fatherhood, kicked another man in the nuts on tv.

I can’t get over the fact it actually happened, let alone extrapolate my points about what it means or how it’s an analogy to the Bobcats season or the NBA officiating issues.  The best part of the whole thing is that after the scuffle, Dwyane Wade was the one shooting free throws.  That’s the equivalent to some Seinfeld episode where George gets hit going for a parking space, and the other guy gets the spot and wrecks George’s car.  It’s just something that doesn’t make sense on a sit-com let alone in an NBA game.

I’m giving credit to the Bobcats for their loss to the Heat on Wednesday night. I had no expectations for that game, only fears. Playing Miami with these Bobcats is like locking a bunch of 8-year-olds in a room and forcing them to watch The Shining; all I could hope for was that nobody wet their pants and got traumatized for life. And indeed, Miami still shredded Charlotte like a classified document, but we worked a 19-point deficit down to 2 and would have potentially taken the lead if Bismack Biyombo could ever figure out how to finish a dunk.

It’s really amazing, actually—somebody should supercut this. Biyombo went 3-for-8 last night and you could sum up the total distance of his misses and not equal the range of a tick fart. He has the 8^th highest turnover rate among power forwards (those with at least 10 MPG), according to hoopdata.com, and a TS% that was last seen touring Brandon Bass country. He’s probably cost Kemba Walker, Ramon Sessions, and Gerald Henderson dozens of assists; although on the flip side, he’s probably given Michael Kidd-Gilchrist dozens of offensive rebounds. He’s at least able to throw some D on that—he’s 9^th in the league in total blocks/steals/charges per game and he’s holding opponents to a non-execrable 17-18 PER. But my word, you give him the ball from zero feet out and the results are more fruitless than a cheesesteak.

The Charlotte Bobcats are in a bad way right now. They’ve dropped an embarrassing 16 straight games. The losing streak is bad enough, but the 16 straight losses come after a solid start to the season that had many (including this writer) thinking these young Bobcats could actually be turning a corner.

Not so much.

It looks like Charlotte is just as over-matched as they’ve ever been, and that they can expect to content for the bottom of their division. After all, a team that loses literally every game they’ve played so far in the month of December doesn’t offer up much optimism for the remainder of the season.

That’s right, Bobcats faithful, Charlotte hasn’t won a game in December, and could easily go 0-16 in this month alone. But for some, the real question may be, can it really go that far? Or better (or worse?), can this losing streak go even further?