Before you read anything further, just go here and watch and enjoy. And re-watch it and re-enjoy it. And re-re-watch it and re-re-enjoy it until years have passed and you realize you’ve spent your whole life as a detached brain in a vat in the matrix. I’ve seen this film more times than Pulp Fiction now, because who knows when we’re going to see anything like it again? It’s so crazy and so awesome that it moved Scott Fowler to quote Twain. I’d make fun of him except all I was moved to make was Audrey’s squeak in Little Shop of Horrors. Fortunately, we have Gerald Henderson himself to break down the play’s more nuanced, technical details: “I just threw it up and it went in,” he said of his game-winning miracle hoist. Having suffered with this team for years, I’ve seen the Bobcats throw up more prayers than Jimmy Swaggart at an escort service, and they almost never work. But this one did, and the orgiastic frenzy that ensued is almost as pleasurable as the shot itself. I particularly love the cheerleader who legitimately could’ve been assessed a technical foul for jumping on the court:

The Charlotte Bobcats host the Minnesota Timberwolves on Saturday night, currently suffering through yet another losing streak, this time with three straight losses. To make matters worse, Charlotte hasn’t won at home in almost two months, and basically is eyeing the number one overall pick in the 2013 NBA Draft.

At this point, most Bobcats fans probably just want the season tanked anyways, in an effort to land the best possible talent in this year’s draft. However, there are still the spirited few that realize this is a young but talented team, and would like to avoid further embarrassment.

As difficult as that seems to be lately, the Bobcats still generally put up a solid fight through the first three quarters. Let’s see if they have what it takes to put in a complete game at home against Minnesota:

1. The Point – Edge: Bobcats

Ricky Rubio isn’t himself yet in recovery from a knee injury and his minutes and attitude aren’t right yet, either. The Timberwolves still have Luke Ridnour and J.J. Barea to toss in at the point, but not a single one of these guys in their current state can top what Kemba Walker has to offer on either end, while Ramon Sessions is just as solid as them in a backup and complementary role. I really like both team’s guard play, but for Saturday night I think the matchup weighs in the favor of the Bobcats.

I find the start to this season to be not just surprising but unfathomable.  Last month if you had told me that the Bobcats would start the season 4-3 with a three-game winning streak, I would have assumed it was a sick joke.  Incidentally, this also would have been my response if you’d told me they were remaking Red Dawn.  But both events are now happening, and given their improbability, I’m worried that it’s more than a coincidence.  What if our world and that of Red Dawn are now fusing?  I half expect to look out my office window and see parachuting Russian, Cuban, and Nicaraguan soldiers in vaguely racist dark skin paint hit the ground and gun down my boss while he’s giving me a lesson on Genghis Khan.  Fortunately, if this happens, I’ll know just what to do: load up my car full of Coke, get used to the taste of deer blood, and put the fate of the free world in the hands of Charlie Sheen.

On the other hand, I certainly don’t expect this to last, because circumstances have been hugely favorable to the Bobcats lately.  Starting with injuries: the Mavericks were without Dirk Nowitzki and Shawn Marion, the Wizards were without John Wall and Nene, and the Timberwolves…well, there have been healthier teams emerging from plane crashes.  Beyond the fortunate injury rashes, other strange stuff has been happening.  For the season, Charlotte is ranked 24^th in opponent 3-Pt %, but for the last 3 games they’ve been 4^th.  And I am here to tell you it is NOT because they’ve done a better job closing out the other teams’ shooters.  Troy Murphy and his mid-80s feathered haircut were so wide open that he could have built a time machine and transported himself back to the set of Bryan Adams’s video for “Run to You.”  Most Washington players, meanwhile, would rather pass a kidney stone than the ball, resulting in a 5-for-31 three-point chuck-fest.  As for Minnesota, I think all lines of any kind in that game were simply contaminated.  Both teams shot a combined 9-35 on 3’s and 29-51 on free throws.

Yeah, gotta leave room

I always come up the title first and then the post.  That’s a fact.  You may read many first paragraphs of mine and say “He sure does like puns!”  And how.  When I wrote the title above, I immediately said to myself “Bobcats Moves?  That’s like saying you had moves at the middle school dance.  Sure, on some level, they’re moves.  But in reality, no one appreciates those ‘moves’ outside of you and your mom.”

The Bobcats, Bucks, Warriors, Timberwolves, Jazz and Wizards are in the D-List of NBA teams that get their roster needs met long after the A-List teams like the Nets, Knicks, Heat and Celtics, oh and the Lakers.  Haves and Have-Nots as always rule the day, especially in today’s NBA.

Now the rumor is Dwight Howard will be traded to the Nets, as he wanted at the trade deadline but for whatever reason, signed his player option with the Magic.  I read on another site, something about a Red Head being in flames, that the Bobcats could and possibly should try to act as a facilitator in this travesty.  Of course, it likely won’t happen as latest reports have the Cavaliers and Clippers are happy to step in and receive a little something for throwing a pick or player.  I’d say this just keeps teams like that suppressed.  The Magic will be bottom feeders for years to come except when they’re rewarded next year at the draft lottery.

No, I am not bitter.  I just don’t get the subjugation of NBA teams and they’re happy to get scraps.  Like the Magic making a move to let their second best player last season, Ryan Anderson go in a sign and trade rather than just a RFA move.  It’s almost like the idea the Bobcats had a few years ago, influenced by the classic Mark Cuban theory, to be good in the NBA you have to get real bad first.

Poor Rick Bonnell.  Did you catch his recap of Wednesday’s latest loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves?  There are no quotes or analysis; it’s more like a set of bullet points:

The Bobcats outscored the Timberwolves 20-9 in Najera’s seven first-half minutes

Najera scored only two points, but he grabbed eight rebounds and play rugged defense.

Henderson scored 11 points in the first half, getting to the foul line six times.

Reserve point guard Walker added nine points, earning four trips to the foul line and making them all.

Not exactly a page-turner.  I can hardly blame him, though.  What are you supposed to do when your team is 7-41 and has the league’s worst FG%?  Oh, and then when you ask Corey Maggette about it, he gives you quotes like this: “We’ve got guys who can score. We just haven’t been making shots.” I’ll tell you what you do: you write recaps that read like police reports of murdered prostitutes.

Or you start supplying hilariously unnecessary definitions, like he did in his recap of the recent 76ers game:

“The Sixers…more than doubled the Bobcats in second-chance points (24 to 11). Second-chance points are all scoring resulting from offensive rebounds.”

I found this one especially amusing because it comes at the bottom of the article, which left me wondering the following:  what person out there would a) care enough about basketball to read this entire recap of one of the worst teams of all time losing another forgettable game, but b) not know what the phrase “second-chance points” means?  Anyway, the point is, we all do what we can to keep from turning into a JetBlue pilot.  So hang in there, Rick, make sure your bunker is secure, and remember to keep your iodine tablets handy for when you run out of potable water.

I don’t actually have anything to say about Jeremy Lin; I’m just trying to drive traffic to our website.[1]  In fact, as an NYC resident, I mostly can’t even watch Lin play, due to James Dolan’s dispute with Time Warner.[2]  I’ve written about this at length, and the bottom line is that Knicks games aren’t available to Time Warner customers.[3]  This is especially problematic because Time Warner is the only cable provider in town.[4]  There is no “good guy” in this dispute that fans can back, by the way—both entities are loathsome; it’s like trying to cheer for Alien vs. Predator.  So while the rest of the world has been enjoying Lin’s exploits, I’m stuck watching the Bobcats, who unfortunately are heavily sponsored by Time Warner and therefore can’t be in a dispute that knocks them off Time Warner.[5]

At least the Bobcats played their latest two opponents (the Sixers and the Timberwolves) close—well, closer.  In fact, I think we could have beaten the Timberwolves if we’d played them two weeks ago when Kevin Love was suspended…Well, maybe not, because two weeks ago we wouldn’t have had Corey Maggette or DJ Augustin in the lineup.  But if the Bobcats of last night had played the Timberwolves of two weeks ago, then I think we would have won…Well, maybe not, because I think we would also need Gerald Henderson, too, and he’s probably not going to be back for two more weeks.  So put it this way: if the Bobcats of two weeks into the future had played the Timberwolves of two weeks ago last night, I think the Bobcats would have won.  But only if the game was also at home.