This is how pitiful I am: anytime the Bobcats have a lead in the fourth quarter, I start calculating how soon they could theoretically win if they did nothing except commit 24-second violations for the rest of the game. Then I’ll start changing variables, like how fast the other team scores and whether they shoot 2’s or 3’s. For example, if the Bobcats are up by 8 and we assume the other team scores a bucket every 10 seconds, we could implement a 24-second violation-only strategy starting with 1:42 left. Or let’s assume the opposition hits 3-pointers but it takes them 15 seconds, we could implement Operation 24 with 1:18 left. I’d actually like to see a table of this, like they have for NFL coaches and when they’re supposed to go for the 2-point conversion. Anyway, lately I’ve started doing this earlier and earlier in the game: last night against the Magic, I think I started with about 8 minutes to go in the 3^rd.

That’s because the Cats were improbably ahead by 7 and Gerald Henderson had just gone to the bench. I knew something was wrong, because it was way too early to sub in for him, considering Hendo had been scoring more efficiently than a Fembot. He left the game having gone 8-11 for 17 points and never returned; apparently his back seized up on him. Fortunately, the Bobcats persevered and managed to maintain their slim lead throughout the entire second half, although watching it whittle and whittle was the basketball equivalent of watching Nathan Thurm’s cigarette ash in those old Martin Short bits.

If you’ve been laying down a ton of money betting against the Charlotte Bobcats over the past month in a half, you could probably call it your day job. Loyal fans want to know when betting in favor of a Bobcats win will pay off, though, so we dive into another NBA matchup to see if that can happen on Friday night.

After five straight losses, the Bobcats travel to Orlando to try to stop the bleeding against the Magic. Ironically enough, Orlando just ended their own woeful losing skid a few games ago.

Charlotte enters tonight’s matchup an abysmal 4-14 on the road, while the Magic are 8-12 on their home floor. Let’s break this one down by each position and see who comes out on top:

1. The Point – Edge: Bobcats

Jameer Nelson can be a boss at the point at times, but in all reality, he’s a shoot-first scorer who has the ability to pass but doesn’t do it at an elite level. With that said, he’s actually at over seven assists per game right now, and he’s manning the position the best that he has in years. However, he lacks size and great defensive ability, so I’m giving the edge to the deeper Bobcats. Kemba Walker is the more explosive scorer and improving at the point every week, while Ramon Sessions gives Charlotte better depth and more versatility than Orlando has at the position. It’s very close, but I like the Bobcats at the point more in this matchup.

In their coverage of the latest grim Bobcats loss to the Orlando Magic, the Observer pointed out that slow starts have been a problem, as has defensive rebounding. It’s true: the Bobcats are second-to-last in average 1^st quarter scoring margin (-4.5). And their defensive rebounding rate, which I’ve documented with the regularity of a gallon a Metamucil, remains buried so far in the cellar of the league that Abu Nazir keeps a sleeping bag there. As of right now, both of those stats are actually worse than they were last year, which should send more shivers down your spine than noticing that Jamie Patrice Thomas is on your guest list.

On the AP side, meanwhile, the recap focused on the Bobcats’ inability to control the paint or close out close games. The former is also true; the Bobcats surrendered 60 points at the rim to the Magic. As a team, they allow the most attempts at the rim and the 4^th-most makes. As for their failure to close out close games, it only seems like that lately. The Bobcats still carry a .750 winning percentage in close games, thanks to their 7-5 start to the season (which will someday be known as the “November Miracle”). And based on their record in close games and a middling strength of schedule, ESPN tells us that their expected record should only be 5-18. So there’s some good news, I guess…Happy Holidays, everyone!

The Bobcats looked less interested than a blind man at a peep show in their loss to the Hawks on Thursday. Then again, nobody seemed to care about that game, not even the Associated Press guy covering it. Check out this except from his recap: “The Bobcats were coming off a dispiriting home loss Wednesday to the Los Angeles Clippers in which they blew a seven-point lead in the fourth quarter…The Hornets were led (in their previous game against Atlanta) by Ben Gordon, who scored 20 of his 26 points in the fourth quarter.” First of all, they never blew a 7-point lead against the Clippers in the fourth quarter; they trailed the entire fourth quarter right through the final buzzer, at which point the game ended. I guess you could technically say that they blew a 1-point first quarter lead and were outscored over the game’s final 41 minutes, but that wasn’t any more dispiriting than normal. So I’m guessing the guy just cut-and-pasted something wrong. But calling them the “Hornets”? Man, that was just cruel—is he trying to jinx us?

Actually, if he was trying to jinx us, how would we even know? We’re talking about a team that has dropped ten games in a row, so putting a jinx on them now would be like throwing a black cat in front of a guy who just fell through a manhole and drowned in a sewer. I don’t mean to imply that the Bobcats have been unlucky, however, as luck has had nothing to do with it. Unluckiness hasn’t left all those opposing 3-point shooters more open than a Chinese restaurant on Thanksgiving, nor has it allowed opposing bigs to abuse the Bobcats’ frontcourt like painkillers. Nope, the Bobcats don’t have the personnel to compete offensively or defensively, and it looks like we’re in for another long season in the abyss.

In a whipsaw three-day period, the Bobcats got a taste of arguably the NBA’s best and worst teams.  The results were predictable: against the Oklahoma City Thunder, the Bobcats had fewer answers than a Sarah Palin interview and were blown out in a disaster that left fans drooling and cross-eyed.  Then against the Hornets on Monday, the Bobcats won by failing less than their even more wretched opponents (they also did the impossible by making me pity somebody else’s team).

The Thunder are (is?) the class of the league, in my opinion.  Analyzing why the Bobcats lost to them is like understanding why a meth addict gets burned when he sticks his face in a blowtorch.  The Bobcats were completely overpowered.  In fact, I don’t think a single member of the Bobcats could start for this team, unless MAYBE you take Gerald Henderson over Daequon Cook.  But then again, the only reason Cook starts is so that super-sub James Harden can come in off the bench and do things like score 33 points in 16 shots while your team tries to cover him with everyone from Kemba Walker to DJ Brown to oil slick to smoke screen.  Harden is not only an easy 6^th man of the year, he also tops my list of Players with Names That Sound Like Past Presidents:

1. James Harden
2. Roger Mason
3. Richard Hamilton
4. Stephen Jackson
5. Richard Jefferson

Back to life, back to reality for the Bobcats.  Charlotte ushered in the new year with a blow-out bloodbath against the Magic that they spectacularly topped two nights later against the Heat.

The Magic loss was a dreary affair, made all the more pitiful with announcer Steve Martin constantly saying things like, “And with that rebound, the Bobcats have a chance to cut the lead down to 13!”  (Martin’s ceaseless cheerful optimism in the face of athletic competition genocide is a thing of beauty—if the United States ever does explode after being attacked by a fleet of all-powerful homicidal aliens, I want him as our President.) There were ominous signs early on in the telecast when they showed Dwight Howard warming up and then cut over to Boris Diaw; my immediate thought was of the old Chris Farley/Patrick Swayze “Chippendales” sketch on Saturday Night Live.  Sure enough, Howard gracefully executed a series of deft moves, rebounds, blocks, and passes while Diaw (and later Gana Diop) flailed hopelessly away—as did the rest of the team.

Even more frustrating was the fait accompli attitude taken by the team afterward, exemplified by coach Paul Silas in this quote: “You either double him (Howard) or let him kill you. We started off that way and he was killing us. Then we came at him and they started hitting threes. There’s not much we could have done tonight.”  The Associated Press wrap-up of the game agreed with Silas and even seemed to take on a sympathetic tone for the Bobcats’ predicament.  Sorry, I’m not letting them off that easy.  Orlando scored 100 points total, of which 20 came from Howard.  Another 36 came from 3-pointers.  That means 44 points (or 44% if you want to sound impressive) came from non-Howard/non-3-pointers.  Also, there was no Jameer Nelson (out with some sort of typical Jameer Nelson-type injury) breaking us down off the dribble.  That means we got served by the likes of Jason Richardson, Glen Davis, Hedo Turkoglu  Ryan Anderson, and the immortal JJ Reddick at close range (all 11 of Reddick’s points were inside the arc, by the way), with the unstoppable force that is Chris Duhon running point.  It wasn’t just Howard and a bunch of 3-pointers; it was a disgraceful defensive effort.