The Heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. On every beat. Caught up in the action, the Bobcats were looking out for LeBron James and company on Sunday night, but they were unable to slow down the Miami force of nature that blew through them like a 1985 saxophone riff. True to their M.O., Miami kept the foreplay up deep in the second half, allowing the Bobcats to stay within 5 points as late as 7:30 into the third quarter. But that’s when the necking and heavy petting ended, and James delivered money shot after money shot, as the Heat straddled the 3^rd and 4^th quarters with a 26-5 scoring orgy that climaxed in a 32-point blowout, 109-77.

Along the way, the Bobcats set the unofficial record for most NBA game recaps featuring the word “drought”; sometimes I can’t tell if I’m reading about the Bobcats or Sudan. “Once they got settled in, started making plays,” said guard Gerald Henderson afterward, “They got back into the game and we also went on a long drought where we couldn’t score the ball.” Particularly parched were Byron Mullens (2-of-8 overall, 1-of-5 from 3-point range) and Ben Gordon (0-of-7 overall, 0 (obviously)-of-3 from 3-point range). Overall the Cats generated a shooting percentage so tiny (33.7%) that Rick Moranis accidentally ate it with his Cheerios. Without a large, mobile, athletic big (or even one of the above), the Bobcats were forced to work the ball around the horn and hoist up a comical 25 3-pointers. “We ran into some dry spells and we settled for way too many 3s,” coach Mike Dunlap said. “At the end of the game we had 25, and that’s not who we are.”

There were worse ways that you could have spent your time Wednesday night than watching the Bobcats-Raptors game. You could have been robbing a bank, for instance. Or molesting a zoo animal. Or getting suspended for a physical alteration with a rival TV commentator (side note: good thing you couldn’t put money on which CSN commentator Kendall Gill would get suspended for punching first: Stacey King or the field, because I would have bet my life savings on King. The fact that Gill burned a suspension on punching someone other than King seems like a terrible waste of an opportunity). All of those options have their merits obviously, but only the Bobcats-Raptors game offered the possibility of witnessing effective play from Josh McRoberts and Jannero Pargo.

I am not a fan of overstating things. I still remember several years ago when Rolling Stone magazine was doing one of those “Top Albums of the 80s” issues, and one of the selections was Metallica’s Master of Puppets. I forget the wording they used exactly to describe the album, but I remember something like, “a stinging rejection of Reagan-era policies,” and I remember almost choking on my Yoo-Hoo. Look, I love that album with all of my heart, but it had NOTHING to do with Ronald Reagan, or really anything reality-related. This was four metal dudes chugging beer and writing about metal stuff, period; one of the songs featured a gigantic sea monster. In fact, if James Hetfield ever reveals that “Leper Messiah” was really a rebuke against the Tax Reform Act of 1986, I’m going to be really bummed out.

We’re entering the homestretch of the schedule, which in this miserably depressing season feels like the end of a 10-mile escape on foot from a homicidal maniac with a butcher knife, only to encounter a finish line surrounded by a hoard of reanimated cannibal corpses. Bobcats fans seem to run this race annually and know the course well, so it’s no surprise when we get games like last night’s, in which Fox Sports Carolinas is openly hyping other games on other networks that are infinitely more interesting right on the broadcast, such as the Heat-Celtics or UNC women’s lacrosse. In the case of last night’s Wizards game, I’m guessing those who didn’t switch channels either had their TVs on earlier in the day and at some point either died, went blind, or were abducted.

TD Garden might as well have been renamed “The Last Arena on The Left” last night, as the Bobcats were sadistically snuffed out in a blowout that bordered on exploitative, 105-88. The victory enabled the Celtics to avenge their unsettling defeat at the hands of those same marauding Bobcats earlier in the week. The final margin was only 17 points, but Paul Pierce sat for the entire 4^th quarter and Kevin Garnett never played. Nonetheless, the Celtics spit on the Bobcats’ grave by shooting almost 52% from the field and hitting 10-15 3-pointers. “I thought defensively it was pretty disappointing,” Charlotte coach Mike Dunlap understated afterward. “I think we’re a better defensive team.” It’s unclear why he would think that, considering the Bobcats are the league’s worst team in defensive efficiency, according to teamrankings.com, allowing 1.075 points-per-possession. Oh wait, I see last night they allowed 1.132 PPP, so technically I guess he’s right; the Bobcats are a better defensive team—I take it back, coach!

The Charlotte Bobcats are no-doubt celebrating(?), after having beaten the Boston Celtics last night to pick up their 14^th win. And then, as if things couldn’t get any better, they went out and signed journeyman’s journeyman Jannero Pargo. Pargo’s role will primarily be to replace Ramon Sessions as Kemba Walker’s backup, and secondarily it will be to give Ben Gordon another option to avoid before hoisting a 3-point attempt.

But let’s talk about Pargo another time, like after he’s released in a month. For now, how about win number XIV?! As everyone who saw the game on TV will tell you, they quickly changed the channel once they realized that NCIS: Los Angeles wasn’t a rerun. No, I’m kidding, everyone will of course tell you that the story of the game was Gerald Henderson, who drove to the lane more aggressively than Mel Gibson after being cut off by a car full of black people pulling out of a synagogue. I counted five field goals in the paint for G-Hen, including—and I mean this entirely non-cynically—really, I do—an astonishing up-and-under layup in the first quarter (right after Byron Mullens blew an alley-oop, which was not at all astonishing; in fact, it was non-stonishing). I remember this play vividly, because not only did Henderson hang in the air longer than a fart in a crowded elevator, but he cut me off mid-Mullens-curse-out. He also bailed the Bobcats out with a jumper at the end of the half, he was a perfect 12-of-12 from the line, he finished with a career-high 35 points, he played the most minutes of anyone on the team, and he held Jordan Crawford and Courtney Lee to a combined total of just 20 points. All in all, the man worked harder than the air freshener on Lil Wayne’s tour bus. Bravo.

Only the Bobcats could make Martell Webster look like an unstoppable offensive force. The career journeyman connected on 4-of-8 3-pointers for 20 points, enabling the Wizards to humiliate the Bobcats, 104-87. The loss extended the Bobcats’ North American Humiliation Tour to 10-straght games on Saturday, thanks to Webster, as well as Trevor Ariza, who jumped off the bench like it was covered with pigeon turds and scored 26 points. Webster and Ariza had plenty of open looks, because the Bobcats were busy trying—and failing—to stop Washington center Nenê, who burned them down low like a Brazilian wax. Nenê’s stats—19/8/4 with 2 blocks—weren’t staggering, but his frequent body checks into Kemba Walker sure were, and the Brazilian’s overall dominance stripped the Bobcats of any hair of a chance in this one (he finished with a game high +26).

This wipeout followed the previous night’s shenanigans in Charlotte, where the Bobcats bowed down to the awesome glory of Hashim Thabeet and his backups, the Oklahoma City Thunder. As expected, Thabeet led his still-developing supporting cast with 4-of-6 shooting, at times showing his impatience with their overall lack of skills and maturity. The good news for the Bobcats was that they improved upon their previous results with the Thunder by 51%; the bad news was that this meant they still lost by 22 points.