The Bobcats crash-landed into All-Star Break with a resounding whipping by the Pacers. Even though Indiana was significantly short-handed, they still had enough hand left over to pimp-slap the Bobcats, 101-77. I’d rather check the commodes of that stranded Carnival Cruise ship than the stats, but let’s go ahead and get it over with. The first thing that jumps out at you is Charlotte’s 31% shooting percentage—awful. The next red flag is that Bismack Biyombo and Brendan Haywood went 1-for-13 from the field. That’s actually not a red flag, that’s more like blanketing the entire mall in Washington D.C. with the colors of the Soviet Union. I can’t tell what’s more alarming: that they missed 12 shots or that they took those shots in the first place. A quick look at the shot chart reveals that all but three of them were in the paint, and from what memories of the game I have that I’ve failed to suppress pharmaceutically,  I believe at least two of those three came to avoid a shot-clock violation. So for the most part, I guess they weren’t forcing anything, which is good.

But the play from our bigs was the hairy mole on this ugly game. Other statistical travesties include Charlotte’s +9 turnover differential, most of which came in the first half. In some ways the turnovers were appreciated, because they meant that we at least didn’t have to watch the team clank shots. But we generated 2 more turnovers than we did assists, creating an overall aesthetical value of play that resembled the cover of Metallica’s Load album. And this is before factoring in the 12 free throws each from Biyombo and Tyler Hansbrough that we had to suffer through.

Last night was one of the best bouts of insomnia I’ve ever had. Even though I had to chug a keg of coffee with a Scarface-sized pile of Splenda to get me going this morning, it was all worth it. That’s how psyched I was to see the Bobcats take out the Boston Celtics. I know, I know, the Celtics were playing the second game of a back-to-back, their game the night before had gone to triple-OT, they were already down Rajon Rondo, Jared Sullinger, and eventually Leandro Barbosa, etc., so I shouldn’t exactly be doodling bumblebees while whistling the theme to The Partridge Family. In fact, the Bobcats are like a 1986 Nintendo game in that you can always beat them straight up, so the only way to make it challenging is to start upping the degree of difficulty, (e.g., beating Kung Fu by only limiting yourself to jump-kicks). And in this case, the Celtics finally just had too few options to beat the Mr. X Bobcats. I don’t care about any of that; I’m still joyful. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.

After all, we didn’t just beat the Celtics, we stopped their 7-game winning streak. That’s right, like the Pope, the Celtics are suddenly fallible again. Boston’s perfect record since Rondo went down was probably more incidental than anything else, because they’re probably a 7^th or 8^th seed at best this year. Now that I think about it, doesn’t it feel like their decline has been going on for years? It actually feels like it’s lasted longer than their prime at this point—they’re like the Roman Empire. Or Vince Carter. But anyway, they’ve given the Bobcats more fits than a Nordstrom’s clerk on crank through the years, so we should savor every victory we can get.

Bobcats fans had a feeling that their team could be a little better with the return of big man Byron Mullens after a 19-game layoff. It took five games, but boy were we all right.

Mullens lead the way by far in Monday night’s impressive win over the Boston Celtics, as the Bobcats snapped a seven game losing skid with a close 94-91 victory. Mullens was just abusing Boston in the paint on his way to 18 rebounds, as well as a solid 25 points off of 10-of-16 shooting. While his shooting touch (4-of-5 from three) was worth talking about on its own, it was the intensity on the boards that got attention, and Mullens was pleased with that.

”I just have to show the league and this organization that I can rebound,” said Mullens after the game.

It’s not like Mullens can’t hit the glass. He averages over eight boards per game, but at seven feet tall, he and just about everyone else is probably shooting for over 10 rebounds per game. It’s clear with this rebounding outburst that he has the potential, and it’s also evident that he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder and is dedicated to improving his rebounding craft.

Let’s start with the good news, because there’s enough bad Bobcats news to depress a Syrian: Michael Kidd-Gilchrist is back from his concussion. He also seems to be back to normal, playing 39 minutes in the last two games. He’s only shot 2-for-11, including 0-for-4 on jump shots. On the other hand, he couldn’t make those shots before he was injured, so that doesn’t really mean anything. In fact, it would be funny if his knock on the head actually caused him to lose that weird hitch in his jumper. Also, if it made him think he was King Tut. All kidding aside, I’m really relieved MKG seems to be okay, because he’s the backbone of this team.

It’s just too bad this team is Christopher Reeve. You’re probably assuming that the Lakers loss two nights ago—featuring a blown 20-point Bobcats lead with about 17 minutes remaining—destroyed me, but it didn’t really; in fact, it only partially damaged me. I really think that 18-point choke-job against Portland back in December, followed two days later with another self-strangulation in New York, more or less inoculated me against future outbreaks of devastation. It’s like watching two of your kids die after suffering through long painful diseases over several years, and then a few months later, your third child suddenly gets sucked into an airplane turbine—sure, it hurts, but you’ve had worse. Let’s not forget that December also saw nearly the exact same thing happen to these Lakers in LA: the Lakers reeling and injured, the Bobcats coming out of the gates on fire, a huge third quarter lead squandered—been there, done that. I think I would have been surprised if the outcome had been different.

The Charlotte Bobcats are in the midst of another depressing losing streak – this time a five-game skid that has them marching into a home matchup with the Los Angeles Lakers. L.A. continues to give a go at trying to form a championship team, but without Pau Gasol and an ailing Dwight Howard, they seem to be running on fumes.

That’s the good news. The bad news is the Bobcats have been atrocious for most of the year, and as troubling as the Lakers’ have found themselves for much of the 2012-13 season, they’re still a far better team than Charlotte is.

With that said, Charlotte did give the Lakers a run for their money earlier this year, and at least has Byron Mullens back to help give them some size and versatility again from their bigs.

Let’s break this matchup down further and try to come away with a pick for tonight’s game:

1. The Point – Edge: Bobcats

Steve Nash is the better pure point guard here, but at this stage in his career Kemba Walker is the better scorer and clearly wins the defensive battle. I like Ramon Sessions more than Steve Blake, Darius Miller or Chris Duhon at the backup spot, as well.

The news was mostly bad in Miami last night. First, the Bobcats lost their 9^th straight game to the Heat. The Heat dominate the Bobcats like Rafael Nadal dominates clay courts, Beyoncé dominates national anthems, Ray Lewis dominates psalms, and Gana Diop dominates White Castle drive-thrus. Second, while the Bobcats were going down in Heat flames, the Wizards were winning their 12^th game of the year against the Clippers, which leaves 11-win Charlotte trapped all alone in an underground bunker of last-place suckage. Third, the Bobcats continued waging their deadly jihad on 4^th quarter leads—albeit this one was only a blown single-point lead. Fourth, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist remains out of action after unsuccessfully using his skull as a cushion for teammate Jeff Taylor’s knee in Houston, and there’s no return date in sight. In summary, Charlotte is slumming once again in the NBA and the rent is too damn high.

But there was some good news last night. First, it took another remarkable effort from LeBron James to enable the Heat to eke out a 5-point win. Bron-Bron shot 13-of-14 for 31 points, 8 boards, and 8 assists (and felt the odd need afterward to point out that he “didn’t plan it that way”). James was covered primarily by Gerald Henderson and Jeff Taylor, each of whom looked tiny enough next to him to pose for a Vogue cover. The Bobcats couldn’t stop King James, nor could they really contain him, nor could they even isolate him (Miami’s Big 3 combined for 64 of their 99 points). But Charlotte at least stuck with their game plan, which was to force LeBron James to beat them…which he then did…so I forget why I put this in the “good” paragraph. But anyway, in general, the Bobcats played a feisty game, narrowly out-blocking, out-stealing, and (get this!) out-boarding the Heat. Ramon Sessions epitomized the team’s toughness by going a perfect 10-of-10 from the line, including once after taking a stiff though mercifully testicle-free shot from Dwyane Wade on a breakaway. And for once in their lives the Cats closed out the perimeter by limiting Miami to just 1-of-12 from 3-PT range. So all of that was good.