Thumbs Up: The Utah Jazz
They’re off to the Western Conference Finals, even though they were mostly dreadful last night.  With 25 turnovers and 21/33 shooting from the free throw line, they were like a team of Inspector Gadgets.  Remember Inspector Gadget?  He used to solve all the cases despite never having any clue what he was doing—he would always come out on top essentially by accident.  Meanwhile, Kirilenko (21 and 15) and Boozer (21 and 14) were sort of like the “Penny” and “Brain” of the group and did all the work. 
 
One thing that totally baffled me: with about 3 minutes left and the Warriors trailing by one, TNT commentator Doug Collins said that Golden State coach Don Nelson “couldn’t have scripted this any better.”  Wha??  Why would any coach prefer to be trailing late in a game on the road, let alone the coach of the most volatile team in the league?  Throughout the playoffs, this had been exactly the type of situation in which the Warriors lose their cool, and sure enough Stephen “Dr. Claw” Jackson picked up stupid technicals and that was it for the Bay Area Believers.  No, I’m sure if he’d had a choice, Coach Nelson would have scripted something else, like maybe being up by 20 and a water bottle full of Old Granddad tucked under his chair.
 
Thumbs Sideways: The Cleveland Cavaliers
Please win tonight and end this series; the only reason I’m rooting for Cleveland is because they’re ahead.  These games are like 48 minutes of watching Christopher Moltisanti asphyxiate on his own blood.  I do feel bad for Jason Kidd, though, who could’ve been goin’ back to Cali, Cali, Cali had Nets GM Rod Thorn not said, “I don’t think so.”  Think of what a wonderful world it would have been: the Lakers might have been more competitive in the first round of the playoffs, we would have been spared from this series because the Nets wouldn’t have been in the playoffs to begin with, and Cleveland could have gotten bounced in the first round by some other team, because they suck too.  I mean, seriously, Sasha Pavolovic is actually starting for them.   
 
Thumbs WAY Down: Suspensions for Amare and Boris
I don’t have much original to say about this, but my thumbs haven’t been this far down since I saw the movie Babel (did we really need to see that Moroccan kid masturbating over his sister?  Was that really advancing the already ridiculous plot?  C’mon, editors).  These suspensions are basically a permutation of what we see in other sports: the if-I-make-an-exception-here-than-I-have-to-for-everyone dislogic.  You see it in everything from suspensions to not letting players honor someone with innocuous marks on their uniforms.  Here’s the thing: no you don’t have to treat everyone the same.  You're not Immanuel Kant,  you’re a commissioner, and you can and should run your entire league using broad rules with arbitrary enforcement. 
 
How did strict, irrational interpretation of the rules become the dominant methodology in our nation’s sports leagues when it’s so un-American?  I mean, the Supreme Court revisits cases all the time, the Constitution gets amended, Oprah withdraws her support from James Frey…    
 
In any event, it’s obviously pointless to argue the absurdity of these suspensions when Stu Jackson actually tells ESPN’s Chris Sheridan, "It's not a matter of fairness. It's a matter of correctness, and this is the right decision."  Right there, you know what you’re dealing with: someone who feels fundamentally different about things and isn’t budging.  Your might as well be trying to convince Jerry Falwell of evolution or Kitana Baker that Miller Lite tastes great… 

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Thumbs Up: The Western Conference Playoffs Second Round
Last night’s Jazz-Warriors game featured four double-doubles, six 20-point scorers, and a largest lead of just ten points. The Suns and Spurs, meanwhile, had a largest lead of just 8 points, field goal percentages of 50 and 46, three 30-point performances, 16 rebounds from Duncan, 18 rebounds for the supposedly beaten Stoudemire, and the added bonus of Steve Nash looking like Jake LaMotta. Unless Nash starts Game 2 wearing leopard-print boxing trunks, it’s going to be hard to top what’s transpired so far.

We also might have a new hero (or antihero, depending on whether you’re an irrational Cleveland fan) in Carlos Boozer. Everyone’s been talking about how Yao couldn’t guard Booze in Houston’s opening round loss to Utah, but I think the more significant fact is that Boozer could guard Yao. Ming had 16 30+ point games during the regular season (even with two months lost to injury) and not a single one during the 7-game series. Yao also turned the ball over 4 or more times in 6 of the 7 playoff games (well over his career average of 3.42), and averaged a rebound less per game than he did during the regular season. This was mostly due to Boozer, with some help from Paul Millsap, despite the fact that both of them looked like Rocky trying to fight Thunderlips.

Thumbs Sideways: The Bobcats Coaching Search
Well, if we can’t get quality, we might as well go for quantity. Now Sam Vincent’s been thrown into the candidate pool. In the Observer, Rick Bonnell writes that although Vincent hasn’t even been a lead assistant yet, “he has a wide range of coaching experience, domestic and international, men and women.” So at least we know he’s probably not going to sexually harass any of the players, but I’m not sure if this makes him qualified. Michael Jordan has talked about searching for “the next Avery Johnson,” but we might want to re-think that strategy now. All I know is, at this rate I want to re-sign Okafor, Wallace, and Carroll, then go get Vince Carter, Rashard Lewis, and Chauncey Billups, because it doesn’t seem like we’re going to be throwing money at any coaches.

Thumbs Down: The Eastern Conference Playoffs Second Round
The Bulls look completely overmatched against the Pistons. Did you see Michael Sweetney lumbering in last night right out of the buffet line? That wins this week’s Phil Hughes Call-Up Desperation Award. Kirk Hinrich says the team needs to get their “swagger back,” but I’m sure Chicago fans would happily settle for him just getting a made field goal back (0-7, 2 points). Andres Nocioni suddenly can’t dribble, and Ben Gordon can’t due much of anything competently except foul opponents, and I love how Chicago is suddenly hoping and praying for more out of PJ Brown after they had him on the trading block to last-place Memphis practically all season.

While the Nets don’t look completely overmatched against the Cavs, both teams look equally crappy. Plus the Continental Airlines Arena is so quiet the PA announcer doesn’t even need a loudspeaker. I couldn’t believe how subdued it was there for Game 6 against Toronto, even though the game went down to the wire. Heck, the Bobcats Arena was more pumped up for our season finale against the Knicks.

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The Bobcats are currently running a promotion called “Guys Night Out,” in which you get 2 hot hogs, 2 sodas, and 2 t-shirts. I’m not sure what’s so “guy” about this, so they ought to consider changing the title to “Come for the hot dogs, stay for Gerald Wallace.” Really, what other reason is there to attend a game at this point? And heaven forbid G-Dub gets injured or it’s discovered he’s ordering HGH online or something, because then you’d be left with, “Come for the hot dogs, stay for the condiments.”

It was another sensational effort by an increasingly haggard-looking Gerald Wallace last night, as he put up 33 hard-fought points in the latest Charlotte loss. In the third quarter, after G-Dub tripped over Gordon Giricek hustling for a loose ball and then skidded to a halt on his stomach, it looked like he might pull out a pillow and take a nap right there on the court. Wallace actually sounded delirious in the post-game interviews—either that or whoever was interviewing him was hard of hearing. "They (Jazz) run, they move, they cut, they slash and they have great passers and they've got guys that can make shots," Wallace said. Then, just a few paragraphs later, he follows up with almost the exact same words: "They never stop moving. It's hard to help when your guy's always cutting and slashing. I think they did a great job at executing; they got the ball to the guys that were making shots." Somebody get this man an IV-drip.

We are keeping Gerald Wallace, right? I see he’s generally considered the third most coveted free agent for the upcoming off-season, behind Vince Carter and Rashard Lewis. And no offense to those two, but G-Dub wakes up in the morning and pisses excellence. Other than Josh Smith, I challenge you to find a more consistent stat-stuffer. G-Dub is everything I deserve for being such a good fan. Anyway, before I start serenading him with “Underneath Your Clothes,” I suppose I should mention the game from last night.

So, newsflash: the Bobcats lost. Besides being out-moved, out-cut, and out-slashed by guys that can make shots, they were also out-rebounded by a comical margin, 48-21, allowing the Jazz more second-chance opportunities than Dwight Gooden. They also put the Jazz on the line 47 times. In fact, those two disparities fused together awesomely during a stretch early in the second quarter. With the Bobcats down 8 and still more or less in the game, Jarron Collins gets a lay-up and a foul, but he misses the free throw. However, Collins grabs his own rebound to keep the Utah possession alive, and then Jake Voskuhl commits a defensive 3-second violation. Giricek then makes the technical, and then Matt Harpring gets fouled and hits both his free-throws. Bam! The 8-point deficit is now a 13-point deficit in 9 seconds of elapsed time (although it felt something like 2 hours in human time), during which the Jazz only made one field goal.

Although Utah didn’t need any outstanding individual performances to win this one, they apparently didn’t get the mehmet—er, memo. I still for the life of me can’t figure out how to pronounce Mehmet Okur’s first name (and apparently neither can commentator Henry Williams, who actually gives the “Meh”-part a hard “c”, making it sound like something off a McDonald’s menu), but if he keeps this up maybe should call him “2Pac Okur,” because the dude is a prodigiously out-of-control handful. He had 9 rebounds and hit 13-of-15 for 32 points, scoring every which way: long-distance, cuts, and backing it on up like a U-Haul truck. Poor Wallace’s efforts to try to keep the much larger Okur away looked as ridiculously futile as my dog attacking its reflection in the mirror.

Harpring also had 19 points off the bench, and Deron Williams went for 12 and 6. If there’s any positive to all of this, it’s that management has finally realized that they might be better off just going 4-on-5 like a penalty kill than they are putting Primoz Brezec out there–there would at least be fewer fouls.

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Heading into Friday night’s game against the Jazz, I had three critical questions:

1. How would the Bobcats respond to the Wednesday night Knick-ocaust?
2. What’s worse, being unable to sell your arena’s naming rights like the Bobcats, OR selling them to a toxic waste disposal firm, as the Utah did with their newly-christened “EnergySolutions Arena”?
3. Is Jazz forward Mehmet Okur’s first name pronounced “meh-MAY” or “meh-MO”?

We all know the answer to the first question; the Bobcats dominated the Jazz in nearly every facet of the game. I’m not a gambling man, but I’m willing to bet the Bobcats covered the spread on this one. Seriously, even though I’m elated with the outcome, a part of me is afraid that the NBA is suddenly becoming completely unpredictable. Think about it: the Heat are (is? I hate non-pluralized team names) awful, the Clippers are terrible, and the Nets are dreadful. Meanwhile, the Lakers, Trail Blazers, and Raptors are suddenly highly respectable. Yes sir, the NBA: it’s the new NFL.

As for the second, the jury is still out. We probably won’t know the answer until the Bobcats actually do sell the arena’s naming rights. If the highest bidder ends up being something normal, and “Charlotte Bobcats Arena” becomes, say, “IBM Arena,” then it’s always better to sell the naming rights. But if it ends up being called “Paco’s Bail Bond Arena,” then I’d prefer we keep it sponsor-free.

As for #3, I STILL don’t know how you pronounce that Turk’s name, which is even more incredible considering I watched this game on FSN Utah (not that I had a choice, thanks once again to News14's 1-outta-3-games-ain't-bad telecast policy). As it turns out, even Okur’s own announcing team can’t seem to agree on the pronunciation. The only sure thing is that Okur gets my vote for “NBA Player Who Most Looks Like He Just Rolled Out of Bed.” Memphis’s Pau Gasol and Toronto’s Jorge Garbajosa keep it close, but Okur gets the edge because on top of being slovenly, he also looks stoned. In fact it’s easy to picture him on off-days lying around on a vomit-stained frat couch, eating a box of Frosted Flakes, milk dribbling into his goatee.

Anyway, I don’t want to detract any further from this upset, because this is a great Jazz team we just beat. And they’re huge too—they’re average size has got to be 6’8”. Even their guards are "guard"-gantuan; if star PG Deron Williams played for us, Coach Bickerstaff would probably be rotating him in at power forward. Up and down, the roster is solid. Besides Okur, Carlos Boozer is having a great year (interestingly, he was booed so lustily by the Charlotte crowd, you’d have thought it was us he’d stabbed in the back a few years ago rather than Cleveland). They’ve also got stat-machine Andrei Kirilenko (fun fact: thanks to the good folks at FSN Utah, we learned that AK currently has the longest shot-blocking streak in history going: 28 games. Is it me or does that seem low? I would have thought that Wilt Chamberlain would have had a block in, like, 200 straight games.) Derek Fisher’s a cagey veteran, Harpring and Giricek are solid off the bench…Plus they have phenom Paul Millsap, who is so highly-touted that for the past three weeks it seems like ESPN.com analyst John Hollinger can’t go to sleep at night without writing at least two articles on what a travesty it was that Adam Morrison got the November Rookie of the Month award over Millsap. Hollinger’s been so outraged by this decision, by the way, that after he got done showing how much better Millsap is than Morrison in every statistical category, he began making up his own statistical categories and had Millsap dominating those as well.

So even though we led by an astonishing 20 points at the half, there was no reason to be particularly optimistic—especially after Wednesday. I was treating this very much the way my buddy, a die-hard New Jersey Devils fan, did in junior high school when he actually dated the Devil’s coach’s daughter (who also happened to be totally hot): it was unbelievably awesome but couldn’t possibly be expected to last long, so just try to enjoy it while you can.

And sure enough, in the third quarter the wheels started to fall off. Emeka Okafor got into foul trouble, and a groin was pulled—guess who’s? Yep, Brevin Knight is out again after “aggravating” his groin; he and his groin are like an old married couple at this point. “Bad Boy” Primoz Brezec also fouled out again for the second straight game (although not before getting 14 points and 11 rebounds—I’m kinda digging this new high-foul/high-scoring version of PB). But Jake Voskuhl of all people stepped up with 8 big points (at one point he scored 6 straight for us, which had me thinking it would have been cool if FSN had put up a “Voskuhl on 6-2 Run” graphic). The announcers were psyched that the quarter ended with the Jazz only trailing by 14, but I was frankly surprised that they weren’t ahead.

The fourth quarter was about one man: Matt Carroll, Jedi-Knight. On this night, the force was with young Carroll, whose perpetual sweatiness causes him to resemble Luke Skywalker on Dagobah. After the Jazz cut the lead down to 5 and all seemed lost, Carroll bailed us all out in one spectacular play: he hit a three pointer, drew the foul (and later made the free-throw), AND knocked out Kirilenko’s tooth. It was a four-point play at a time when we couldn’t buy a basket. It was the equivalent of Skywalker’s triple-flip off Jabba-the-Hut’s plank to save the day in Return of the Jedi. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen anything like that before. The only down side of it was we had to watch the ref pick up AK’s tooth off the floor and bring it to the scorer’s table—gross! And the ref did it with his bare hands and was all casual about it too; it reminded me of Reservoir Dogs when Blonde cuts off the cop’s ear—the only thing the ref didn’t do was jokingly talk to the thing.

Anyway, Okafor looked great (21 points, 10 rebounds), Gerald Wallace had 12 points, 7 rebounds, 5 steals, and 1 block (and a partridge in a pear tree), and Raymond Felton (18 points, 12 assists, 3 steals, and even 5 rebounds) is fully in command of this team. We’ve now taken out the Cavs, Spurs, Jazz, Pistons, and Nets. Just keep us away from those Grizzlies and Knicks…

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