The Bobcats played as the Carolina Cougars on Saturday night, and “Cougars” is a fitting name for this team, considering how many of their losses are over 30 and pathetic. Their opponents were the Clippers (playing in LA Stars throwbacks that must have been created before the invention of fonts), and Blake Griffin and his tag-team partner DeAndre Jordan threw down more than a Real Housewife on Ladies Night. Overall, it was a desperate, embarrassing experience that made me want to curl up with a jug of ice cream and watch Sex and the City reruns.
I can’t imagine what poor Dell Curry, legendary 3-point maker, is going through as he watches nights like this, in which the team went 1-for-14 from behind the arc and shot 35% overall. It’s like forcing Steven Spielberg to watch and comment on the movie Cannibal Holocaust. At one point, you could even sense Curry’s despair, as he began addressing players directly over the air. “You can’t do that, Byron,” Curry pleaded with Byron Mullens after he clanged (“clanged” is actually too strong a word, as it implies that the ball actually hit the rim) a terrible jumper late in the third quarter. “I know you want to score, you want to make some shots, but you’ve gotta move the ball,” he moaned insistently. I could imagine his sidekick Steve Martin turning off his mike, grabbing a delirious Curry by the shoulders, and saying, “No, Dell, Byron can’t hear you, Byron can’t hear you! It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.”
Actually, Martin’s got enough problems of his own as he tries to describe this schlock. In the previous game against the Bulls, Tyrus Thomas went up for a jumper in the second quarter but dropped the ball midway in the air, yet continued on with a pantomimed release anyway. “Here’s Thomas…I’m not sure what that was,” was all Martin could get out. Meanwhile, Cory Higgins managed the rare feat of getting called for a kick ball while dribbling it, and Bismack Biyombo is on his way to trademarking a whole new set of stats. After his game against Chicago, I think any player who gets at least one 3-second violation, two goaltendings, three fouls, two turnovers, and one free throw air ball should known as a “Bismack stat-stuffer.”
As a team, the Bobcats missed an astonishing 12 shots from 5-feet or less against the Bulls, in probably the worst display of close-range shooting since the guy running out of the kitchen in Pulp Fiction. Charlotte is dead-last in 2-point shooting percentage (actually not “dead-last,” because I see that they’re tied with Sacramento—call it “dying last.”), which is a huge problem, because we’re tied with Detroit as the 4th most reliant on 2-pointers for our scoring. Our offense is like Iran if Iran didn’t have oil revenues. Oh no, does this make Reggie Williams (4-for-22 in the last two games without drawing a single foul) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Or does it make him Chevron? I’m not sure. I’ve confused myself with my own analogy. Clearly I’m suffering right along with Dell and Steve.