After my previous, um, “article,” I guess you could call it, Vance asked me for my predictions for the Bobcats this season. Prediction number one will be that my streak of referencing Mr. T ends at two. Really, after BA Baracus and Clubber Lang, what does that leave you? DC Cab? Come to think of it, there was also the moderately popular cartoon series Mr. T, in which the mohawked protagonist (obviously in animated form) somewhat improbably coached a crime-fighting gymnastics team…But I digress. Let’s talk about another team with an improbable coach, the Bobcats. Here are my predictions for this year’s ferocious felines:
Prediction: Kwame Brown will be our biggest free-agent signing all year
How funny/depressing is it seeing headlines on ESPN or CNNSI that say stuff like, “Chris Paul to Lakers!,” “Pau Gasol to Rockets!,” “Dwight Howard to Nets!,” and then you go to the Charlotte Observer and it’s “Bobcats Hopeful Kwame Brown Re-Signs.” Way to crank up the blockbuster excitement, MJ. Our team is so far out of the spotlight that if the NBA were a movie cast, we’d be the key grips. Nobody talented is coming here unless it’s by some sort of wacky accident, Home Alone-style. Even our other “big-time free agent,” Corey Maggette, is at best a C-lister. Did you see that line Bonnell had about him on his profile a few days ago? Bonnell wrote that Maggette “got lost in coach Scott Skiles’ Bucks rotation. By the end he was playing sporadically.” If our biggest free agent got lost in the star-studded cast that is the Milwaukee Bucks, I think I’m going to hold off on breaking out the champagne and strip-o-grams. On the other hand, at least we didn’t sign someone just for the sake of signing someone (yet). Bonnell also wrote, “(Dante) Cunningham’s restricted free-agency might have become a moot point had the Bobcats been successful in their pursuit of free agent Mike Dunleavy.” Wrong, Rick, the Bobcats WERE successful in their pursuit of signing Dunleavy…because it FAILED. Anybody who’s stupid enough to sign Dunleavy and his shot knees to a multi-million dollar deal is the unsuccessful one.
Prediction: DJ Augustin will learn to use the word “Me” more
I don’t mean this metaphorically in that sense that he will be more selfish, I mean that he will literally say the word “me” more often. Here are some of his recent quotes: “It will be a great experience for a young player like myself to get out there and compete,” “He’s going to make myself better,” “Myself and Raymond played together a couple of years ago.” Yourself talks really strangely, DJ. Also, am I supposed to be encouraged that he spent the off-season in Houston under the tutelage of TJ Ford, Rashard Lewis, and Tracy McGrady!? These were his mentors?! What were they teaching him(self), how to whine as much as possible while faking injuries? Good lord, Bun B and DJ Screw would have been better role models.
Prediction: Bismack Biyombo will speak more languages than points per game…
…especially if he never frees himself from his contract in Spain. Am I the only one who’s a tad worried about this? I have to admit, my knowledge of Spain is limited to what I learned by watching the telenovela La Reina Del Sur, (sorry, this is what happens when you’re married to a Mexican-American—or at least someone whose birth certificate says she’s Mexican-American) but Spain seems to consist of nothing but paparazzi, crooked cops, drug-dealers, and failing banks-that-are-also-churches. Forget about making it over this year, I’m more worried that he makes it over with intact genitals. I hope amongst his many languages, Bismack knows the Spanish phrase for, “Please don’t strangle me with my own small intestine.”
Long story short, I think this team is going to be really, really bad. I put the upper ceiling at 25 wins. What’s worse, it’s not even going to be enjoyably bad. At least when the Warriors lose they score 120 points in the process; it’s like watching a Tarantino movie. Watching this team is going to be like watching The Twilight Saga dubbed in Polish. They couldn’t score last year and that was with Gerald Wallace (God rest his soul) and Stephen Jackson. What’s going to happen now? Our most exciting moments this year might be Corey Maggette shooting free throws. I pity the fools. Or as DJ Augustin might say, I pity myself.