With few highly touted point guards available through free agency or the upcoming draft, the Charlotte Bobcats announced on Thursday that they would be exploring fictional options.  “Lets face it,” Bobcats Vice President Rod Higgins stated in a press conference, “(Unrestricted free agent) Deron Williams wouldn’t sign with our team if (team owner) Michael Jordan beamed himself over to D-Will’s house, defecated a new pair of blue-and-orange Jordans on his front lawn, and called them the Air Max Derons.  And the highest-rated point guard in the draft went to Weber State,” Higgins continued, referring to Damian Lillard.  “Can you even point to where that is on a map?” Higgins asked, before adding, “Cause I sure as hell can’t.  It’s time for us to get on some Last Action Hero (stuff).”

Higgins then announced that the Bobcats would be holding a special tryout for three players who have all had prior success elsewhere, albeit completely fictional: Scott McKnight of the New Jersey Nets, playground legend Sidney Deane, and the Mormon God Elohim.  Here is a brief scouting report of each:

Scott McKnight

Pros:

  • 5x All-Star
  • Led the Nets to a dramatic Game 7 win in the Eastern Conference Finals (though it’s strangely unclear what happened to the team after that)
  • Thoughtful and sensitive (e.g., plays Joni Mitchell songs on his piano), loves others for their inner beauty
  • If signed, would bring along his wife, Leslie Wright, a spunky physical therapist who became an overnight success as an athletic trainer

Cons:

  • Injury risk; coming off a PCL tear that sidelined him for half a season
  • Height; listed as 6’1” but that’s highly questionable with the camera suspiciously showing close-ups of only his head on any of his “dunks”
  • Unclear if he can perform against any teams other than the Heat and the Magic, presumably due to the film Just Wright’s limited licensing budget
  • Might be difficult to pry from the Nets, as both he and his wife “bleed red and blue” (though the team’s move to Brooklyn might change that)
  • Sister-in-law/ex-fiancée is a classic gold digger with the potential to corrupt the rest of the team

Sidney Deane

Pros:

  • Excellent handle
  • Plays with an edge
  • Highly quotable
  • Extremely manageable contract; owed just $500-$2,500 per game, only payable when the team wins

Cons:

  • History of alienating teammates with brashness (e.g., once proclaimed, “I don’t mean to brag, but I’m the greatest!”)
  • Frequently gets trapped in a “2-man game” and ignores the front court
  • May insist that the team change to uniforms that feature spandex and Colnago-sponsored flip hats

Mormon God Elohim

Pros:

  • Stands 6’2”, according to Mormons, so he has some size
  • Extremely humble and selfless, both on the court and off
  • Restricted free agent, (most recently played for the planet Kolob, where he has been a long-time resident)
  • Dynamic leader; once successfully led the ancient Jews on their voyage to America, where they became Native Americans

Cons:

  • Might need to be amnestied in the event of the Apocalypse, (though that’s not a sure thing, as Jackson County, MO, site of the Mormon Apocalypse, is relatively close by)
  • Only recently accepted black people as teammates (1978), which could prove to be divisive for some players

Higgins also hinted that the Bobcats might not be finished trying out non-real prospects.  Other potential candidates include Stacey Patton of the fictional New York Knicks; Danny Zucko, who played briefly for the Rydell High Rangers; and Jesus Shuttlesworth, former child prodigy and alumni of powerhouse Big State University.  Bringing in Shuttlesworth could be risky, though, for two reasons.  First, he has a notorious history of family problems.  Second, he was played by an actual NBA player who is still active, thereby his presence might rip a hole in the fictional/real time-space continuum.